Edward's PS I Love You
by urtwilightbuddy11
Summary: 9 years after New Moon, Bella returns to Forks to find that the town and its people have moved on with out her. Through the letters Edward left her, Bella learns that in order to hold onto Edward, she must let go of him first. EPOV/JPOV/BPOV
1. Home Sweet Home

_It's been 8 years, 11 months and 362 days since he left. _The thought suddenly entered my bewildered mind. For a moment, I took my eyes off the slick road I was so hesitatingly traveling on and put them on the scar on my right hand. It was still there. A crescent shape, shining in the dim light radiating from the sun behind my back. So beautiful, yet so burdening. I forced the memories behind this testament away. I couldn't think of them while I was driving 80 miles an hour on a rain slick freeway. But I knew I had to face them eventually. From the experiences my past had brought forth in my life, I knew that I could not hide from the pain. It would find me, no matter what crap I put in my life to hide it. To distract myself from it. But somehow, the pain always found me...that was when the memories won control and broke through the thin wall I had put up so many times before...

Looking back, I'm surprised. Surprised that I made it through that small amount of time without completely falling apart. It's funny how my life worked then. I got up, pretended to eat for Charlie, forced a smile on my face before walking out the door, then slipped on the ice outside and pretended to have been hurt just to give some evidence to Charlie that I still surpassed emotion, then dodged on coming traffic all to arrive at my personal hell. There I would walk the pain stricken floors like a zombie. No one looked at me then, after the months of his departure I was no longer the week's source of gossip. I was a walking dead man, floating the rooms of that high school, holding onto traces of him. The only reason I was still in that God- forsaken town was because I wouldn't let _him_ go.

The first few weeks were torture, not to the degree that they are now. I couldn't stand to get out of bed because I knew everything in my life, even my window, would remind me of him. I don't know what made me get up that first morning after his disappearance. I think it was the hope that I still allowed myself to have for him. It was the numbness that blocked everything out, and allowed me to dream that he would come back, or that he left something of himself for me to hang on to. That's why I was able to get up every morning, that's why I could stand to go to school, that's why I could stand to live.

I was still looking for the strands of himself that he had left behind...One time I left myself wonder about him. Where did he live? How was he taking this? Was he back to the life he had before I came along? These thoughts worried me. What if he didn't care? What if I was just a right of passage for him? First human friend...Bella the freak. He could check that off his list. As I delved more and more into the deepest thoughts of my heart, I realized that he still loved me. He had just lied. He had just lied. Lies are now the fabrics of my life. The memories that I am formed from were founded on lies. Lies, lies...Lies. My life was a lie, and I had lost my _truth_.

But now, I don't care. I convince myself that he doesn't exist. That way I can go on with my life, like he had wanted. I find comfort knowing that I'm keeping my promise to him. I'm living my life.

Sometimes, I wish I could just scream at the sky, as if I believed he was actually there.

_"See! Look at me now! Happy? I have experienced life! I've gone out on dates, hurt myself, gotten my heart broken...all for you!"_

And other times, I just wished I still had a part of him to remember by. The thought that I will no longer know how that crooked smile of his so perfectly touched his eyes haunts me when I'm in bed at night. Isn't there a picture, a year book maybe, that still holds the truth that he still does exists? This thought is a death trap for me, because it brings the oceans of pain. _He did exist, and he loved me. But then he left. _

In the midst of it all though, whether one day I force myself to take the better proposition, that he doesn't exist, or the unhealthy one, he still loves me, I still have to go on living. That was why I left Forks. I needed a new start. I couldn't be trapped in that place of sorrow and pain. I had to go out in the world and keep my promise. I had to thrive. And so, I guess I did...

I put my eyes back on the road and grasped the steering wheel even tighter as I regained consciousness of where I was and where I was going. I glanced at the sign to my left: FORKS NEXT EXIT

I moaned in response. _Why was I here again? _This was a death trap, a suicide attempt. But I had to come. Charlie was getting remarried, and I hadn't seen him in years. I owed him that much. And for that reason, I turned on my blinker and headed to the exit.

I did not notice the second I landed on Forks soil. I thought I was still driving through one of those in between towns, where there were more malls than people. It was when I saw the diner my dad and I ate at 6 years ago when I realized where I was. The familiar bumpy road was fixed, and a mall now took the place of a chunk of forest. Where was I? Forks was changing. And the memories I tied to this place were going along with it. My Forks, my home.

There were also more cars on the road. More Mercedes and BMWs. These types of cars were no longer rarities. And liquor stores? A hell of a lot more. Forks was becoming more civilized. It was looking a like the town where I came from, Los Angeles. And for some irrational reason, I was angered by that. What happened to the town that still held tight to the primordial things of this earth? Fishing, forests, lakes? Malls now replace trees, and 5 star restaurants replace diners. There was a voice in my head that was worrying me by what it was saying..._what if the meadow...his house?...that beautiful piece of ancient architecture...the forest we had run through? _What if it was all gone? What if Forks had let go and went on, when I didn't? All I could think was..._the memories...my home...change. _It was like coming home from a long trip and realizing your home was no longer there. It shocked me, physically shocked me. And I had to take deep breaths to stop myself from hyperventilating.

Shockingly, I had somehow found my way to Charlie's. I knew that I should be expecting a different house since this whole town had changed, but I could not suppress the surprise of how it looked now. Totally repainted. The beautiful white paint was now replaced by a brownish orange, and the window seals were colored black. It looked like one of those Italian villas.

After parking on the curb, I got my luggage out of the trunk of my Audi coupe. Ironic in some ways, wouldn't you think? I pressed down my pencil skirt and smoothed my black blazer. 4 years ago I would have never thought that I would have been working as an English professor at U.S.C. The job paid well and took my mind of life, but it was monotonous. Exactly what I needed to regain some control of my life

As I walked up the door, I felt anything but calm. I was nervous, scared, and I foolishly felt betrayed. I hesitatingly brought my fist to the door and knocked. _One...Knock...Two...Knock...Three..Knock...Four...Open Door. _I looked up at the women who held the door in her hands. Sue Clearwater, Harry's widowed wife.

"Hello!" I said to Sue with a fake smile. She smiled back warmly. Her beautiful dark hair was in a pony tail and she was wearing a long sleeved pink blouse.

"Well, look at you now!" she said, appraising my body. I smiled and shrugged. "All grown up. Quite beautiful, actually."

"Thank you," I shot back at her, politely. "You look wonderful yourself." At my response, Sue rolled her eyes.

" Now, now, it's been six years. I should be getting worse, not better!"I smiled again, not knowing how to respond. I stood there, mouth pressed shut, like an idiot. I was usually more well spoken.

"Well, it looks pretty chilly out there, why don't you come inside." I gladly took the chance to avoid conversation. Once I entered the house, so many new surroundings were thrown at me at once. It was completely different then what I had expected. Sue was a designer, so I guess I should have expected this. The wall paper was replaced by a beautiful shade of mahogany, and the old future replaced by stylish couches and sharp centered pieces. Everything looked state of the art, including the kitchen. The refrigerator, oh my god! Charlie's heaven for storing "R," his favorite type of beer. And I bet he had as much of his favorite fish fry too! It was good for him. He deserved all of this.

"You look pretty shocked over there," Sue mentioned. I was brought out of my state of amazement.

"Well, yah!" I exclaimed. "I didn't expect this degree of change at all." I walked over to where Sue was standing.

"Well, we all needed change," Sue muttered under her breath. I snapped my head to look at her. Pity coursed through my veins. She had lost someone too.

"Well, in that case, I agree." I nodded for no apparent reason. The fact that Sue was now my new step mother did not sink in again. And the realization that Seth and Leah were my step siblings did not even faze me.

"So, where's Charlie?" I asked, leaning against the granite counter in the kitchen. Sue headed over to the stainless steel refrigerator.

"Oh, he's at the fitting. For his suit, of course." Sue leaned in and grabbed the orange juice from one of the top shelves. She then poured me a glass before I responded.

"So, when's the wedding?" I asked, reaching my hand for the orange juice. "Thank you," I said, pointing to the can of orange juice. She nodded and answered.

" This weekend. Saturday. September 13. Charlie's favorite day," Sue replied. I choked on the orange juice. When she said the date I realized for the first time it was my birthday in four days.

"My birthday? This Saturday, the September 13? Why?" I looked at Sue with shock.

"Why so shocked?" Sue said, smiling. "He wanted to celebrate your 27th birthday with this wedding." I couldn't respond.

"Why don't you go to your room to unwind," Sue suggested. "The drive must've been long." I looked at her and decided that she was right. I picked myself off the counter and headed to the stairway.

"It was nice seeing you, Sue," I shot to her before going up to my hell. I knew once I entered that room I would lose it.

"Nice seeing you too, honey," Sue replied. I smiled and turned around to the stairs of hell. I trudged up the stairs of this haunted house, purposely ignoring the pictures propped on the wall. I knew they would make me cringe with disgust. What an ugly, undeserving teenager I was. As my feet touched each step of the stairway, a new memory kept coming to me. One was when I had climbed these stairs anticipating him lying on my bed, the other when I was running down them to escape this place of torment after he had left. Both memories alike in that they were both implanted so firmly in my head, and different in what each had held in store for me.

I finally reached the threshold of my room of pain. _Come on Bella, you can do this. You are a strong, 27 year old woman. You should not be afraid of rooms. _I put my hand on the knob in defeat, and turned it ever so slowly. I opened the door as if I was afraid something would come flying out of it once I opened it wide enough. Minutes later, after much creaking on the door's part, I saw my room for the first time in 9 years. Surprisingly, this part of Forks had not changed. Everything was the same. Everything. Even the way the lamp was set on my bedside table. It was like it had never been touched, and that fact scared me. Was Charlie so pained at my departure that he could not stand to look at my room...the last memory of his daughter? I would have to ask him sometime later.

I slowly walked to the center of room were my bed was still unmade. I ran my hand against the purple comforter, and pain shot through my body, making me physically tingle. Edward had lain on this...so many years ago, but his presence was still here. I wanted to smell it, to see if it still smelled like it used to. Well, that's what I told myself. I wanted to see if his scent still lingered on there. I leaned down, slowly of course, making sure I still had control over myself. I pressed my nose to the comforter and was overwhelmed with the feelings I had for this town. The feelings for Edward. Mysterious feelings, fantastical emotions ran through me. The bedding smelled like mystical forests. It brought me back to the life and Bella I was nine years ago. And in that moment, I knew that I had changed. I was Bella Swan, the reckless, stubborn teenager who got her hopes up and was hopelessly let down. I was me.

I threw myself onto the bed and curled into a ball. A hard thing to do considering I was wearing a business suit. _Screw this life, screw this profession, screw where I lived. I belonged in Forks, this life belonged to me. _I reached into my bag and brought out some sweats and a white T-shirt. I put them on and hopped back into bed. I pulled the covers high above my head, and stopped when they covered my eyes. I wanted to bury myself in them, bury myself in the good memories of this place, bury myself in the smell of _him. _He was still here, this was the last strand of _him_ I had been searching for. I could not leave this place again, for I would be fall apart for the second time. I fell asleep to the familiar sound of rain and the smell of _him_ on my pillowcase.


	2. Surprise

**WEDNESDAY**

**THURSDAY**

Wednesday and Thursday passed in a blur to me. I slept most of the time, I was so tired. Had no human contact. The only time I got up was when I had to go to the restroom. I slept for two days because I was angered. Angered because of the change. But I was able to sleep because of the comfort of being home in my bed that I had missed for so long...

I awoke with a start to the sound of knocking on my door. I quickly pulled myself up from my comfortable position and stood up. It was about time I got up.

"Come in," I said to the door while I sort of tried to make my bed. At my words the door creaked open to welcome my aged father.

"Charlie," I said with more meaning then it sounded. I was home, and that fact was solidified by seeing my ancient father.

"Bells," he said walking up to me and taking me in his arms. We hugged for the slightest second and returned to our uncomfortable positions. At the moment I took him all in. He was not bald, but the thick bushels of white hair he had sitting like lumps of oatmeal on top of his head made up for that. His face was weather beaten and aged. There were as many wrinkles as pains he had gone through. I probably contributed to those with all that I had caused him. I frowned at that thought, and Charlie saw.

"What is it, Bells?" Charlie asked. I shoke my head.

"I've just missed you for so long, and I can't believe I'm here."

"You know I missed you too Bells," Charlie hinted. I rolled my eyes in my head. _Then why were there no cards, no Christmas presents, no phone calls, or no visits? _The first few months after my departure from here I couldn't stand to look at a picture of my father, but that hate soon faded. I would literally wait at the mail box each day, hoping to receive a letter from Charlie. But those hopes were let down. Two years after no letter, I still waited. Not for my father. I knew logic dictated at this point that he wouldn't respond. But for some other reason I couldn't rationally explain to myself, I was willing to wait longer. I think I was waiting for _him. _

"Are you okay, Bella?" Charlie asked, worried about my incompetence to respond in an uncomfortable situation.

"I'm great, Charlie. I really need to clean up now. Isn't the rehearsal dinner tonight?" _What day is it? _I looked at the clock on my bed side table where the time and day was shown._ Friday?_ I squinted my eyes to make sure that I was seeing right._ Had I been sleeping for two days straight? _I shuffled over to my luggage case and absentmindedly picked through it, as if I was actually looking for something I could use in the shower. If I was correct, then the bathroom would most likely not have been touched either.

"Yep, it's Friday. You slept for two days." Charlie said rubbing his forehead. "And I didn't expect it to come so fast." _Me either,_ I thought to myself. Charlie sighed and walked over to my bed and sat down at its edge. He sat there while I was going through my luggage and putting things away. For a few minutes we stayed there in silence. I finally looked up at him and knew he was trying to say something.

"What is it Dad?" I asked. "You wouldn't have stayed in here so long unless there was something on your mind."

He fidgeted uncomfortably. "Bella, how's Sue? Is she good, because she's going to be your new step-mother. She's really great when you get to know her and all..."

"Yes, she's great. Very kind and motherly. The only stepmother I could ask for."

"Thanks Bells," Charlie said with a smile. "You know Seth and Leah will be here a lot too," Charlie mentioned.

I closed my eyes in defeat. That meant Jacob again. Jacob. I hadn't seen him in years. That would most definitely bring back _him_ and this town of Forks and its memories back to me.

"And Jacob," Charlie said, answering my thought.

"Great," I said simply in response. After putting the rest of my clothes away, Charlie was still sitting at the edge of my bed.

"Okay, Charlie, what do you have to say! You've been in here for ten minutes. Speak." I zipped up my empty luggage case and put it in the closet before Charlie responded.

"How are you Bells? How's Los Angeles. How you holding? And your mother?" Uggghh, I hated those questions They were either really easy to answer or very complicated to avoid.

"I'm good. .My job's great. Haven't spoken to mom in years. And you?"

"This conversation is not about me...what job do you have again?"

"I'm an English professor at the University of California." It was weird telling your father where you worked because you expected him to know already.

"You know, I'm proud of you Bells. I'm very glad how this panned out." I looked at my father like he was crazy. He said "this" like it was an every day thing. It was most certainly not.

"Yah, me too," I said as I got up and headed to the bathroom. That was my chance to escape, because I knew my father would delve more into that forbidden subject if stayed longer.

I started the water; I knew that I would have at least two minutes on my own to wait for the heat. So I headed back to my room where Charlie was still sitting on my bed.

"Charlie, it was really great seeing you again. I'm very happy for you and Sue. You deserve it."

"Thanks Bells," he said, getting up. "I needed a change, and after you left, I was completely alone. It's funny how it kind of worked out though. Sue would sometimes need help at her house and I had promised Harry that I would help out whenever she needed it. And that's how it happened. I got to know the kids and everything, so it was kind of perfect." I smiled at that thought. Charlie with family.

"Well, I got to go take a shower now," I said, pointing to the bathroom. "See you in a few." And at those words I escaped for thirty minutes.

I entered the bathroom with a frown on my face and a bad taste in my mouth. In Los Angeles, I had blatantly avoided mirrors because I couldn't stand the person looking back at me. It was safe to say at that point that I hadn't looked in a mirror for nine years. I was afraid going into that bathroom, because I knew I would suddenly be compelled to look at the mirror. So, I made an ingenious plan. I would quickly change and then hop into the shower so I wouldn't have time to even come close to the mirror. Luckily, the plan worked. How funny my life was. I was so afraid of everything. Even a mirror. Usually people told me that I came off as a grab the reins of life kind of women. One strong woman I was, eh?

I dressed for the rehearsal dinner in a haste – I had spent a little bit more time in the shower than I was allotted. The dress I picked out was a black mini – completely opposite of what my old Bella self would have worn. And considering the change I was feeling at this place, showing my legs seemed out of place. But all of the rest of my dresses were of the same type or shorter, so I settled with this. I put on my make up without the aid of a reflective surface – years of practice it took to reach this degree of application perfection – and headed out the door. Once I reached the kitchen I realized Sue and Charlie were still getting ready, so I decided to tour the downstairs part of my old house. The embarrassing pictures of my childhood were still mounted like trophies of some accomplishment on the walls and tables of the rooms. In the living room were my teenager years at Forks. The 10th and 11th grade pictures were mounted proudly on the coffee table in the middle of the room. I didn't want to look at them, but my feet led me to their view. The 10th grade one I took in Phoenix was my mother's favorite, because she insisted that my hair be worn down...and it was. My _mother. _I hadn't spoken to here in years, either. I had ceased contact with her two years after I left Forks. Around the same time I gave up on Charlie. She could be dead I wouldn't have known. And she would probably be at Charlie's wedding too. I went into panic mode. My mother, Jacob, all the people I had cut off from my life because they reminded me of the pain would be there. Just when I was about to sit down to calm myself, Sue came down with Charlie, hand in hand. I acknowledged them with a fake smile and looked to the ground.

"Are you ready, Bella?" Sue asked once she reached the bottom of the stairs. I took my head out of my hands and stood up.

"Yes, lets get moving!" I disgusted myself with this fake enthusiasm. We walked out of the house and into the chilly air of Washington's night.

"What car are we taking?" I asked as I saw the two cars Charlie now had.

"I was thinking yours? I wanted to see the inside of that beauty," Charlie answered.

I smiled and grabbed the keys out of my purse and opened the car for them. They entered the back seat while I took the front. Before starting the car, I looked in the mirror, not at myself, but at Charlie and Sue. They were pressed tightly together in the interior of this small and sleek automobile. So cute, and so old. Charlie leaned in and pressed his lips to his finance's wrinkled cheek. I smiled and looked away, it was too painful. At all costs, I also avoided people kissing...I started the car and asked for directions.

"The Lodge at La Push Beach," Sue answered. "Take the 420 South and hop on the 7 East and take it to the beach. You should know where it is." _Yes, I should_, I thought to myself.

The drive there was extremely painful. I couldn't look in the back, in fear that I would lose it staring at the love my father had for Sue, or look at the side because I was afraid that something in the forest we were so quickly passing would trigger a memory. So I focused my eyes on the road.

"So, who's all coming?" I asked 30 minutes into our trip.

" Practically all of Forks," Sue said, with a little laugh. "No, we're just kidding. There are way more people in this old town than there were 10 years ago. Just the family, and friends. " I swallowed the lump in my throat nervously.

"So, it's on the beach, huh?" I asked, nodding to myself. Would I be able to handle walking on that beach? I would have to wait and find out.

"Yes," Charlie said, answering my question. "Sue always wanted to have a beach side wedding, and they made this new restaurant on the beach. Perfect for weddings." Hmmm...since when did they make a restaurant on _our_ beach? Was anything around here not adulterated by the outside world? When I was younger I loved Forks because of the old feeling...it was not unadulterated by the rest of civilization. I felt isolated in this small town from the rest of this world, so I felt like I was in a whole different mystical world. And frankly, I truly was.

The beach was crowded when we pulled up. I became nervous when I saw an old orange Chevy trunk parked right next to us...

"Hey, Dad, that Chevy isn't mine, right?" Charlie looked at the rusted orange on his right.

"Looks like Jacob's here," Sue said. I literally died right there and then. My truck, with Jacob Black? Charlie must have seen my face because when he answered...

" When you left, I couldn't stand to look at anything that reminded me of you. So, I sold it to Jacob. He wanted it. You don't mind, do you?" I frowned.

" I guess it's too late now." We got out of the car and I headed over to my old slug of a car. Thoughts of Jacob ran through my head. Was he married? Did he have children? Was he still a werewolf...I ran my hand against its beautiful frame, and low and behold, the dent was still there. I nearly choked. I had to close my eyes and walk the other way in order to get the picture of Edward from entering the mind that had not been occupied by thoughts of him in years.

"Bells, are you okay?" Charlie asked. I ran over to him – a hard thing to do in my black pumps. "Yah, lets go." We joined the rest of the people who were waiting for us on the beautiful beach. Yes, the beach had a restaurant, but at least the beauty and mystical elements of this place were still implanted firmly in its ancient soil. As we were walking on the beach to the alter, I saw Billy out of the corner of my eye. And Jacob. Unfortunately, so did Charlie and Sue.

"Come here, Billy!" Charlie yelled from across the beach. At that moment, I reviewed my options: I couldn't run, this was my dad's rehearsal dinner, what would the town say about his long lost daughter he hadn't seen in years if she disappeared again, but I couldn't stay...I was still so, so weak and I couldn't stand to face him again. When I thought of that, I thought of the memories we had with each other, and I surprisingly felt warm for the first in months. For some odd reason, I wanted to run to Jacob. I wanted him to accept me again. I wanted him to see the old Bella I had become again. I had come back, maybe he had waited in the wings all this time, like he had promised. Maybe he would welcome me with open arms again. Just maybe.

It took Billy and Jacob almost ten minutes for them to reach us. Each step they took towards me was like a life time, each a different life time of change. I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself once Jacob came into view. I would have to run up to him. I would have to hug him, before anyone else did. For me, Jacob represented the last part of my old life that had been missing. A small part of my fantastical life back then, but a huge part in who I was and what I felt now. I knew that once I saw Jacob I would become the old Bella I was back then again.

I wanted to scream out loud, "Jacob! Jacob! I'm back again! I'm here! I'm yours..." but when Jacob was just about in view, and when I was about to decide to run to him, I took a closer look. There was some one running behind him. A woman.

"There's Leah," Sue mentioned. I looked closer. It was Leah Clearwater. Leah caught up with Jacob and put her arm around his. I couldn't breathe. Then she lifted her head, every so slowly. My heart stopped... she placed her lips on his cheek. I looked down at what she was wearing, and was shocked when I reached her torso. She was pregnant. Just as I was registering that thought, Jacob tenderly put his hand on her stomach, and smiled. Smiled because he felt his little nudger kick.

His little werewolf boy.

I closed my eyes and died for the second time.


	3. Betrayal: JPOV

Hey, guys! I wanted to say thank you to everyone for the favorite story adds and the reviews. It means a lot to me! I hope you like this next chapter... I'll hopefully continue with my "One chapter a day" method. : ) Review, review, review!

**My music list:**

This Year's Love by David Gray 3 Listen to this one...perfect for this chapter

Possibility by David Gray

9 Crimes by Damien Rice

She's the Sunlight by Trading Yesterday

**JPOV:**

It had been tough watching Charlie the weeks after _she_ left. We all tried to help him with our consolations, but nothing could aid in easing the pain that came with the unexpected absence of his daughter. I came over a lot the first year, to help Charlie of course. For months he couldn't get out of bed. I had to bring him his food, just so he could stay alive. Sue came over too. She helped out the most. I think it was because she knew how much it hurt to lose somebody.

After Harry's passing, Sue was affected the most of the family. They had been going on thirty years. A triumph over many marriages today in this society. In ways, she reacted just like Charlie. She had no reason to live, and no motive to move. It was a double hit to my family. First Sue, then Charlie.

The first few months were tough on my schooling, so I dropped out for a while. I promised myself only when both Sue and Charlie were back on their feet would I return to school. I put my whole life on hold once again for the Swan family. Ironic, in some ways, I thought. I was always the one taking care of everybody...For example, my disabled father (Physically, and definitely mentally : ); I was the one comforting him when it should have been the other way around. And my sweet, sweet mother's passing. Another hit. So young, and so tragic. That death hit me hard. I took care of my siblings when my dad was in that mourning state and was incompetent of taking care of children at that time. I was the man of the house for a while – that's why I grew up so fast. I matured faster then children my age, and I figured that's why I was so attracted to my equal, Bella Swan. She had gone through the same thing I had, had experienced the same triumphs and defeats, and knew how it felt to be in a room of people yet to feel so, so alone. And when she left...I couldn't let the pain get in the way. I had to be the sun, the sun who was always shining for everybody else. The one who reminded people that there was always still hope.

_Hope..._had it one time, then lost it when _she_ left. I often wonder if she thinks of me. I wonder if she has the friggin' decency to call. After all, I was taking care of _her_ father. She owed me at least that much. And the first three years I waited for her as if I actually believed that she would come back to this place of torture and welcome back everyone who had ever hurt her. I actually believed that I would be able to forgive her for what she did. But I was _tired_ of forgiving. Tired of waiting for something good to pass me by and give me a reason to live my damned life. I had promised her, _"I'll be waiting in the wings." _I loved her. I actually needed her at that time. It was my chance because he was gone, and she was most vulnerable. But how long can one wait? I had my own damn life to live...I figured I should live it, I was damned regardless. And for that realization, I shunned all thoughts and memories of Bella Swan from my life, and pursued life without her. A hard concept at first, but it was easier to push her out of my mind as time went on. Time heals all wounds...

Since those filthy bloodsuckers weren't here anymore, the pack ceased transformation. We settled down into the lives we hoped to live the rest of the time we were allotted on this screwed up earth. I was always attracted to Leah Clearwater, I just couldn't admit that to myself while I was in love with Bella. She was my wolf mate, even though she hated me when I was a werewolf. Since I was no longer one, she started to gradually accept me. We hung out more...and it just happened. Before I knew it, I was standing with her at the alter. I didn't really love her. I liked her. I rushed into the marriage- I needed some one to accept me for who I was. I wanted someone to take care of me for the first time in a long time. And I knew Leah could. We settled down together and bought our own place – the furtherest house from the Swan's residence. It was actually located on La Push Beach. Very close to where Bella almost killed herself. And before we knew it, me and my new wife slowly modeled into husband – wife mode. We fought, we kissed, we did everything I thought a perfect couple would do. I filled our marriage with trips and fun outings – I would often grow bored with Leah after so much time. But she kept me alive; I actually felt something for the first time in years. But she didn't make me feel like Bella did. Bella was my soul mate, and Leah was a tool I selfishly used to stay alive. She was my life jacket that kept me afloat amidst the cruel ocean of this world.

Two years after getting married, we tried for a baby, but more trouble was thrown at us. We tried every thing: if they could do it, we did it. But nothing worked. Leah was actually about to kill herself when she finally got pregnant. Leah had the tendency of being dark. Whenever I angered her, she would pick up a knife and hold it to her wrists, as if she was going to cut herself if I didn't obey. That second pregnancy was the happiest time in my life. And in my head, I was slowly forgiving Bella for what she did, and I even went as far to secretly allow myself to call our little girl "Bella." But of course, I was happy, and life didn't allow me to enjoy it for that long, because six months in, we lost her. Bella left me _again. _

Now, we're having a girl. Through all of the pregnancies we had together, the one we had right now was lasting the longest. She was going on seven months. We considered names. Leah liked the generic girls names, especially Hannah and Susie, but I liked Isabella or Rachella, for Bella Swan and my mother, Rachael. I didn't tell her that though.

It's really screwed up how I hide who I really am from Leah. I don't tell her what I like in fear that she will reject me. Our marriage is a lie – at least to me. I often have to lie to her in order to maintain the peace and some sense of normality. I've thought of divorcing her, many times in fact. But by divorcing her, I divorce her family. In my heritage, it was a disgrace to divorce. If they did, both partners were both shunned from the public eye, and were forbidden to ever intermingle with each other or with each other's families again. And I couldn't hurt Sue by hurting Leah. And, my doubts of divorce were even more heightened by the joining of Sue and Charlie. If I left Leah, I wouldn't be able to visit Charlie anymore. And if _she _came back, I couldn't even stand in her presence. I was stuck, as the person I knew I wasn't. As I said, I was damned regardless, monster or not...

"Jacob, hurry up! What the hell is taking you so long!" Leah screamed to me from the bottom of the stairs. I was in the room, shaving for Charlie's rehearsal dinner. I was angry at having to wear a suit, but even more angered at her yelling.

"I'll be down in a second!" I shouted back to her. "God," I muttered to myself. I continued shaving and pricked myself. "Shit!" I looked in the mirror at my 25 year old self, looking for the damage. There was a little blood on my right cheek, but it could go unnoticed if I stopped shaving before I could hurt myself even more. I threw the razor down hard and it hit the sink with a thud before falling to the ground. I looked into the mirror again. My usual self was looking back. I frowned at that realization. There was no spark in my eye, nothing different. Just plain old Jacob. I ran my hand through my short hair, tousling it. Damn, I missed my long hair. I almost cried parting with it, but Leah would have made me cry even more with her rude and annoying remarks if I had not cut it. But that was eight years ago, when I still had hope that Bella would come back. Bella liked my hair long, and for some fucked up reason, I thought that by keeping my hair at its werewolf length I would have an even greater chance of having Bella coming back to me. That hope was quickly crushed, like the dreams I once had for this life.

"Damnet, Jacob! We'll be late!" Leah screamed up to me another time. At her words, I sighed and trudged along to hell. As I got the the bottom of the stairs, I took in the sight of my pregnant wife. She was wearing a long summer dress and a white cardigan sweater. I had often caught men on the streets staring at her as we walked on by, and for some reason, I didn't give a damn. She had possession of me, instead of it being the other way around.

"You look beautiful," I said to her, with my fake smile and happy voice, taking her into my arms.

"Thank you," she replied warmly in response. "You don't look too bad yourself."

"Oh really," I said as I kissed her on the lips. The kisses were lacking content.

"Really," she responded as her mouth crushed into mine. "Hmmm..." she muttered into my mouth as she put her hand on my shoulder. I put my hand on her stomach, searching for a kick. When Leah became excited, usually when were kissing, Rachella would go off in a moving spree. And my little nudger's motion would save me by giving me an excuse to pull away from Leah.

"She's still kicking," I said, pulling my lips away from Leah's. Leah put her hands on her lump of joy. "Wow! By the time Hannah's out, she should be ready for a soccer league!" I smiled and looked at my watch.

"Shit, it's time to go! We're late." At my words, I ran to the car, while Leah started to walk. I looked over my shoulder as I started the run to the car. Our yard was huge. Two acres long, in fact. Leah was walking ever so slowly, with my baby inside of her. At that moment, I knew I had to stay with her. I couldn't abandon my little Rachella. I would be abandoning Bella. But I couldn't stand to live with her any longer. I was stuck with her, it was like a frigging prison in that house. So, to appease my wants and needs, I ran a little bit faster, and didn't look back. I pretended that I was running ever so quickly away from this life of hell into something I knew that I deserved. Little did I know where this run would lead me...

We arrived at the beach earlier then Charlie did, so the guests were left to wander the wet sands of this haven. I looked around at my home, looking for Billy, for I had seen his trunk. I spotted him several hundred feet away.

"Lets head over to Billy," I said to Leah at my side.

"I'll be in the restaurant," she replied at my declaration. "I have some things to do for my mother there. Last minute plans and things."

"Okay," I responded in relief, already a dozen feet from her. I was free. A few minutes later, I reached my father.

"Hey," I said, finally approaching my father.

"Hey, Jacob!" He responded, throwing open his arms for me. I walked up to him and gave him a hug.

"You look good today," I mentioned, pointing to his suit. "You should dress up more often."

"Well, I really don't have much reason to," he said, releasing me from his tight hug. He shot me a smile. He seemed much more happy then he usually was today.

"What's the big deal?" I asked, jokingly. "Did you win the lottery or something?"

"No," he said simply, smiling. "I have a surprise for you. It should be here in a few minutes." I hated surprises.

"Awww...dad, you didn't need to get me anything."

" It's not entirely for you," he responded as he started to move himself in his wheel chair.

"Let me get that for you," I said, my voice quavering. The last time I had a surprise my daughter had died.

"Wheel me over to the alter," Billy commanded. I adjusted my course automatically. A few minutes later, my father spoke up.

"So, how's Leah? You guys holding up well?" I rolled my eyes and sighed. I didn't like talking about her.

" We're fine...the baby's fine. We went in for another one of those x rays and the doctor says that the baby's just as she should be."

"Well, that's good," Billy responded. He looked up to the sky. "Looks like it's gonna rain. Hope it doesn't tomorrow."

"That would be bad," I said without emotion. The surprise was worrying me.

"Are you okay, Jacob? You seem kind of edgy." Billy cocked his head so he could see my reaction.

I nodded my head in reassurance. "Yah, yah! Everything's fine, it's just that I'm worried."

"Worried about what?" Billy asked. But before I could respond, I saw Charlie and I waved to him. He was with Sue.

"There's Sue," Billy said. He wished he was the one marrying her. I looked down at him, but he was smiling for some reason.

"God, Dad. What is it? You can' t get all googly- eyed around her and Charlie. It's rude."

"No, it's the surprise." Billy said, my words not at all ruining his happiness. Before I could ask, Leah walked up from behind me. I smiled at her as she kissed me on the cheek. I had to act happy for my father, or he would sense something was going on. In order to survive another onslaught of disgust, I put my hand on Leah's stomach and looked down. I needed my Rachella to calm me, to help me regather my sanity . Rachella was kicking a hell of a lot harder than she usually was. I looked up to comment, my hand still on Leah's stomach, but that's when I saw another person trailing behind Sue. A person all too familiar. The legs, the arms, the torso, the shape of the head. This couldn't be happening.

"Who's...who's that," I managed to choke out. Billy smirked.

"Who do you think it is? I stopped rolling Billy along, and squinted my eyes to get a closer look. That's when she turned around to meet my eyes. She looked excited for a couple of seconds, and started running towards me. I wanted to run towards her too. My Bella, my sweet sweet Bella. She had finally come back. Just as I was about to move my foot, Bella stopped dead in her tracks. I looked at her with bewilderment as I saw her face turn from happiness to betrayal. That's when I noticed Leah's hands around my waist and my hand on her belly. I closed my eyes as I realized what I had done. Bella had expected me to have been waiting for her. _"I'll be waiting in the wings."_ My own words echoed in my head, clouding any other thought. I looked into the face that I hadn't seen in years, and saw betrayal and pain stroked across it. _I had hurt her...I had hurt her...I had hurt her...I had hurt her..._I had hurt my Bella by moving on, while she had not. I looked at Bella one more time, shame burning on my face. Her eyes were swelling with tears. At that moment, she fell to the ground. As she fell to the sand, her heart fell from my arms.

_I had broken my promise,_ was my last thought.


	4. Discovery

In this chapter of Edward's P.S. I Love You, Bella Swan will finally find the letters! (Sorry for the long wait, guys!) Hang on there, the story will get more interesting! As I have said probably many times before, please do not be afraid to leave me a comment in the Review Section. It helps me a lot in creating a content filled plot for this story. Suggestions and ideas are greatly appreciated!

SONG: FALLING SLOWLY BY GLEN HANSARD : ESPECIALLY FOR THE JACOB AND BELLA BEDROOM SCENE

Pain's funny. Amusing. Hysterical. Especially when makes it grand entrance at a place full of people. Like a rehearsal party. But it's not unpredictable. At least for me. I knew that by coming back to Forks I would be delving into a load of pain stricken memories. It would be like throwing myself at the sharks, but I was willing to take the chance to save myself from drowning in the cruel oceans of this world by swimming back to this shore. I don't know what I was expecting when I came to Forks. Did I really expect everything to be as the same when I left it? Was I stupid and naive enough to really think that he would still be waiting for me? By the way I reacted when I saw him with her, I guess I was.

I hadn't been fair to myself when I still kept the hope that he was still waiting. I was smart enough to realize that normal human beings moved on and forgot, but was I really normal? Was my life something that you can classify as "regular" Not at all. So I thought that he would be an exception.

He had lied. Edward. It hurt to think of his name. I had to hold myself together to just survive the onslaught of pain that came when I foolishly thought of him. _It would be as if I never existed? _The biggest lie ever, if I ever saw one. This was all happening because of that one sentence. I had gone to Florida to stay true to his last words – but it was impossible to. Everything reminded me of him, and I knew deep, deep inside that he had left part of himself here. I thought that by getting out of this place of hell and going to where he would have wanted me to go would bring forth something of him. Something that he had left behind. But I hadn't found it yet.

So I came back to Forks, wondering if his wish for me to be happy with Jacob was that part of himself that he left behind. I honestly thought that I had rediscovered Edward again when I saw Jacob on that beach. I was so overjoyed that I started to run- yes, in my heels. I had finally found Edward again. But when I saw Leah running behind Jacob, I knew that I had been terribly, terribly wrong. My Jacob had let go of me...and I had so blinded by my own stupidity to realize that. What a stupid lamb I was...always giving herself as a sacrifice for the love that she wasn't sure was still there.

I thought that you could only die once, so I was surprised when my heart stopped beating when I saw him with her...

It's dark in hell. Darker then the life I had up there. But no fire, no flames, no devil. Silence. Peace. Contentment. Was I really in hell, or was this my kind of heaven? I was happy to be here – it was something I could say was definite. I didn't need to think about what I had to do – someone had already decided that for me. They told me what to think, what to do, and when to do it. I didn't want to leave.

There was a peace that suddenly came over me when I fell to the sand. Everything went dark. It was a relief to finally escape from the world, even if it ended up to be a minute or two. I thought of James and the hunt...this death was similar to that one. But there was no memories – there was _him. _I could sense him around me, I could feel him. I could feel his arms around me, the embrace that I had cried over so many times before. I smiled in my heaven. He was here with me, and it felt so, so real. It would hurt later, I knew that, but right now, I was so amazed at how his touch felt. For hours I stayed like that, in his arms, in the darkness. He would occasionally touch his lips to my forehead, and my heart would stop in shock. He would chuckle and smile. But, everything had to end.

In the distance of the darkness, I could see a light coming up over the dark horizon. But it wasn't like the sun...it was like a small lamp that was gradually fading out. Edward saw it and got up. He started to walk towards it. Before I even realized it, he was several hundred feet away from me. I stood up in my heaven and ran after him. But my feet couldn't carry me fast enough...I couldn't let him slip away from me again. But I couldn't save him...I reached my hand out to him, but was stopped by a sudden force. A warm, warm hand. It pushed me back, and I fell onto the ground. I looked in between_ its_ legs and saw Edward entering the light. Before he let it take him, he looked back at the warm entente and I. He nodded at me, then smiled sheepishly. As if he didn't want to accept what was happening, but knew that it was better for me. Before I could respond, he disappeared. I looked up to the one who had stopped me. It was Jacob. He lifted me up and ran the opposite way of the light.

"Stop! Stop!" I wanted to scream, but the words could not come out of my mouth.

As he ran, I cocked my head, and my heaven started to lighten up. I could see the spot where I was stopped – it was less than a foot away from a cliff. If it had not been for Jacob, I would have run off of the edge to a certain death. I closed my eyes and realized what had happened and drew a conclusion...Jacob would save me from destroying myself...

"Bella! Bella! Are you okay?" I thought my Jacob said, carrying me. But his voice was more distant, as if it was coming from another room, perhaps farther away. I looked up, and to my surprise, the Jacob holding me was not the speaker of these words. That's when I heard more voices coming from farther away.

…..."Is she okay?" "Is she hurt?" "Get someone over here! Hurry!" An orchestra of voices, all flowing together simultaneously, but I could still make out each and every single word. I could feel a pushing sensation, as if a dozen of people were crowding around me at the same time. That's when I felt a colder hand touch my face.

"Stop! Stop!" I screamed, but the sensation kept on getting tighter. Just as I felt like I was going to get squeezed to death, I heard a voice.

"Stop," a firm, and familiar voice said. Edward's voice. The speaker of these words was closer to me. At that moment, I saw white flash before my eyes. My whole heaven was developed in a kind of heavenly light. And it was as if it was lifting me...out of this place. Going higher and higher, until...until...

Death was peaceful, easy.

…...Life, was harder.

I awoke with a start to a dozen of so faces peering down at me worriedly. I sat up quickly, worried that I had made a big scene. I glanced at all of the faces, and knew that I was in trouble. I squinted my eyes at the bright light – had Forks ever been this light?

"Thank God," someone to my right said. It took me about ten seconds to focus on them. Billy. Billy Black. Oh God...I wanted to slip back into the darkness again. This wasn't how you were supposed to greet the people that you hadn't seen in years. And the dress wasn't doing any help. It was riding up, so a good portion of my thighs were showing. Pretty scandalous for a police chief's daughter, heh? I tried to stand up, and slipped several times before someone had the common sense to take me by the arms and hike me up.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," I said rubbing my forehead, looking to the ground. Before I could embarrass myself further, I pushed myself in between the small crowd of people, heading for the parking lot. Once escaping the eyes of a dozen people, I took off my shoes and starting to run across the sand. At that moment, I didn't know why I was going to the parking lot. Sue and Charlie and had taken the same car. If I left, then they would be stuck there. But I needed to get away from the crowd of people.

I headed over to my Audi and flopped down on the driver's seat like a fish. I put my keys in the ignition and turned on the radio for distraction. I needed other voices to distract me from the many I had in my head. Once I found a good classical music station, I closed my eyes in relief. As the composition drifted to a close, a new song wafted its way into my ears. Almost instantly, as the first note was played, my heart stopped in shock. Clair de lune. But, for some stupid reason, I didn't shut it off. I actually listened to it, trying my hardest to resist the onslaught of pain, enjoying the beauty that it had once represent. I closed my eyes once again and let my mind wander. Through the memories, good and bad, and the dreams I had once had for both of _us._ It's funny how much pain a song on the radio can bring along. I smiled at that thought. Bob Marley's quote rang in my ears, "One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain." That was a lie...then was why there tears streaming down my face during such a beautiful and harmless piece of music? I wanted Marley to answer that one for me...but right now, I was tired. So, so tired. So I closed my eyes and fell asleep to the sound of my lullaby drifting out of the speakers of this car.

I awoke hours later safe in my bed to rain falling outside. I looked at my alarm clock annoyingly. It was 2:30 in the middle of the night. I rolled my eyes and groaned, turning around on my other side, not ready to get up yet. That's when I saw a dark figure perched on this side of the bed, like a statue. My heart skipped a couple of beats before I realized it was not _him. _Then who was it?I immediately sat up. Chills ran down my back as the mysterious figure moved. I leaned over the side of the bed as my hand looked for the baseball bat I had put under my bed for instances like this.

Just as I was about to hit the man in the head with this masterpiece of steel, the figure spoke.

"Bella! What are you doing?" he whispered. I immediately turned on my bedside lamp to uncover this man's true identity. "It's me, Jacob." That's when I started to think clearly. _What the hell was he doing in my room?_

"Get out!" I screamed, too stunned to think of saying anything else.

"Bella! No! I came over here to tell you something," he said, walking back the bed.

"No, get the hell out of here! Who let you in?" I shot back at him, as I got off the bed. I positioned the bat in my hands as if I was ready to hit someone or something.

"Charlie! He wanted me to talk to you. He wanted me to give you something!" Jacob searched my face for some kind of sign of acceptance.

"What can you give me that you haven't already given her!" I exclaimed nastily back to Jacob.

"That's what I'm here for," Jacob whispered back, a little pained at what I had just said. I sighed and relaxed my angered grip on the bat.

"Go," I said, motioning him to start. I headed over to the door and flipped the lights on. That's when I got a good look of him. He looked almost exactly like he had looked nine years. But there was no more baby fat in his face, and he was leaner but more muscular. What pained me the most was his eyes. They were not like I had remembered them. There was no spark, no life. And that worried me.

I headed over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. Jacob was watching me very carefully, scrutinizing my every move. He was scanning me, seeing if the old Bella was still tucked away deep in the layers of this fake face I had put up for the past decade.

"Wow, Bella," Jacob said a few minutes after we checked each other over. His eyes were popping out of his sockets. "What happened?" I took this the wrong way.

"Life happened," I threw back at him. "You know what the hell happened. I left. After he left. You know all too well how that played out." Jacob smirked a little. He still had the ability to laugh at anything.

"Bella, I came over here to see how you were. Not to make you feel bad. If you don't want me here, then I'll leave," Jacob said looking at the door. I so wanted him to leave me alone. I hated him at this moment. He had moved on, had broken his promise. I did not want to ever see his face again.

"Don't you have a wife to go home to?" I asked sharply. "I think she would be thrilled at that fact that her husband is out in the middle of the night in another grown woman's bedroom. Don't you think?" Jacob rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"Bella, I' m sorry. Okay?" He shoke his head in anger. "I should have never come." He headed for the door. I smugly watched Jacob head towards the door, but then realized this was all going wrong.

"Jacob, come back over here." He turned around at my words and headed over to my bed before sitting down.

"I'm sorry. For being an ass. You don't deserve it." I looked to the ground.

"I can understand," he said, trying to comfort me. _Could he really understand the betrayal I was feeling at this moment? _

"No, you can't," I said...then my mind flashed back to when I was leaving Forks. I should have never had said that. "No, I don't mean that, Jacob." I sighed in humiliation. That's when ten year's of anger exploded out of Jacob at once...

"Bella, did you really think that when you left Forks I would be okay with it? That it wouldn't have impacted my life in some way at all?" He laughed in disbelief. "You don't know how many people you were leaving behind when you left Forks. It wasn't just Charlie and me. Everything was different after you left." I looked to the ground. "You're father was crushed. I don't think he ever told you that." That hurt me, so I looked up. "Dammit Bella, I had to clean up your mess after you were gone. I had to take care of Charlie, I had to take care of Sue after Harry died, and I had to take care of my father. And I did it all for _you_." He stopped and threw me an angry glance. " And you know what was the worst? Breaking my promise and realizing deep, deep inside that I didn't care. That hurt me the most." At this point there were tears in my eyes. "And you don't even say thank you." He shoke his head and frowned in disgust. He walked back and forth across my room before speaking again. "You don't know how long I waited for you. You have no idea." He stopped and I looked up. "If only you knew, Bella Swan, how much you have hurt Charlie. If only you knew how much you scarred me." He stopped for a couple of seconds as if he was looking for the right words. "Can I ask you something? Did you really think I would wait for you?"

"Yes," I answered simply. He stopped walking back and forth across the room.

"But how long can one wait?" He threw back at me. "How long! That was the question I asked myself many times before. You were off living your nice life. You got a great job, a nice pay, all the toys you could want, not even mentioning the men, and settled down into the high life...while I put mine on hold in hopes that you would come back. I didn't think that that was fair. So I stopped."

"Like that?" I asked.

"No, it was gradual. I met Leah, and we...fell in love." His voice changed when he said love. He was lying. We both we silent after Jacob's declaration. A few minutes later, I had the courage to ask him the question.

"When did you let me go?" I asked slowly, making sure I was saying the words right.

"I'm not answering that," Jacob said sharply, trying to avoid having to answer. "Anyways, you owe me some answers."

" I don't have much to say," I said, back to him. Jacob laughed in disbelief.

"Maybe sorry, how bout that for you?" I didn't respond, and he was angered by that. He got up and headed to the door. I couldn't move...the pain from what he had said was immobilizing me. "Bella, I just want you to know that you have hurt me. Scarred me for life. And how could I have let you go when memories of you were still here, firmly implanted in my head, and on my heart? How about that for an answer." He closed his eyes and opened the door. Before stepping out, he spoke one last time.

"Bella, I'm tired at being at war with myself. So tired of it." He stopped and closed his eyes. I was so mad at myself, and the pain that was coursing through my body didn't help either. I had scarred Jacob, in all of the worst possibly ways. And because of that, he didn't know if he could welcome me back...

"Bella, the answer to your last question: I never did." And he walked out of the door. I sat there, on the edge of my bed, completely motionless, thinking about what he had just said. What had I just asked him? If only every life's problem had an answer. It took me about thirty seconds to understand what he had said. My last question was asking him when he finally had the courage to let me go.

And because of that realization, I got up and ran down the stairs and into the street, not caring how much noise I made. But it was too late. Jacob had left. But he had never let me go. In the midst of all that I had done to him, he had cut me out of his life, but he had never truly let go...

I ran up my stairs, wanting to be back in the protection of my room. Just as I was back to safety, I tripped on something that was lodged in the threshold of the door and went flying head first onto the ground. On my way down, my foot hit something, a floor board maybe, and dislodged it. I hit the floor with an extremely audible thud. Charlie would probably be up in a couple of seconds and get up to check on me. And how would he react when he found his daughter tear stained and bleeding on the floor? I smiled to myself and got up. As I was lifting my right foot off the ground, the dislodged floor board moved. I crawled over to it to examine the damage that I had done. One of the boards had been cracked in half at my landing. One piece of it was by the computer, and the other was still intact and connected to the rest of the floor boards. I grabbed the missing piece and brought it over to the hole that was made at the board's parting. I looked inside and was bewildered at what I saw. A piece of paper. I picked it up and dusted it off before turning it over to reveal what was written on it.

"Bella" was intricately written at the top. The letter was addressed to me. I looked at the bottom of the letter looking for a name. My heart stopped when I realized what this was.

Love,

Edward

**P.S. I love you**


	5. Realization

Today's song choice: 

Yellow by Coldplay...listen to this song while reading this chapter. : )

Promise by Tracy Chapman

"Bella?" Charlie asked with worry as he saw my blood painted self strewn across the floor. Once I heard his voice I quickly hid the letter under my bed and put the broken floor board back together, so he wouldn't think I hadn't done anything suspicious.

"Yes?" I said with a smile, on the ground still. I wanted to stand up, but my feet wouldn't allow me. They were glued to the floor, right by that floorboard.

"What happened?" he asked, running to me, appalled at what I looked like at that moment. He keeled down to check me over. I couldn't answer that question rationally, and I would have gotten in trouble if I told him that I was running outside in the middle of the night. "You have so much blood on you," he continued.

" I tripped over the floorboard on the threshold of the door after going to the bathroom. I had a bad landing," I said, realizing how scratched up and torn I really was. Did I fall outside while running to see if Jacob was still there?

"Obviously," Charlie said, grabbing my arm and looking it over. After giving me a quick examination, he shoke his head in disbelief.

"Did you land on something while falling down?" he asked. I knew that he didn't believe my "Bathroom- Then – Trip" story.

"Yah, my head!" I answered with a chuckle.

"Well, yah Bella, but you have too many scratches for just falling on the floor. Don't you see yourself?" Charlie asked. The scary thing was, I couldn't answer that one myself. I hadn't seen myself since the last time I was here – almost 10 years. The truth was, I was afraid of seeing my reflection. I was scared that I would see _him_ in me still. Scared of the pain that the thoughts of him brought along. I started to shake. I didn't want to see myself...especially this way. Charlie stood up and got my mirror off my dresser before forcefully handing it to me.

"I don't want to look," I said, as calmly and controlled as I could manage at this moment. But my efforts to fool Charlie were short lived because he saw me shaking.

"Why are you shaking, Bella?" I couldn't answer that one, I was too shocked at finding the letter and numbed from the force of my fall. And my incompetence to answer that simple question angered Charlie. "Bella, dammit! You either easily bleed, or you're lying to me! Tell me right happened, right now!" Charlie's tone was get more worried. By the look on his face, he probably thought that I had been raped or something.

"I told you! I just fell!" I yelled back at him, angry that he wouldn't believe me. "Why won't you believe me?" My emotions were going in a whirlwind. The pain from my fall was suddenly striking in sharp waves that enveloped my whole body, I kept thinking about how Jacob had left me and that it was all my fault, and that I had found a letter from Edward. Things weren't making sense, but I wanted them too. My mind was working over board: it was the middle of the night, I was still very, very tired, and so, so confused. Why didn't Charlie understand that? I wanted everything to just come to a stop. Everything. I couldn't handle all of this at one time. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about everything.

"I can't handle everything!" I yelled/ sobbed out loud. "Okay?" I looked at Charlie for a response. All I could see was surprise layered under the creases of those wrinkles on his face. "I need to be alone!" I expected Charlie to exit out of my room at my words, but he planted his feet even more firmly on the ground. I gave up at that point.

"Did Jacob hurt you? He promised when I let him in your room that he wouldn't do anything to...scar you more. But...?" I looked up to him, for Charlie was standing up, and I was sitting on the ground under him. Could I really answer him truthfully with him staring into my eyes and hovering above me?

Yes, Jacob had hurt me, in all of the worst possible ways, but I had hurt him more. And because of that realization, I let myself answer Charlie truthfully.

"No," I answered simply. "I hurt him."

"Did he fight back?" Charlie asked in response, staring at the blood covering my body.

" Yes, but not in the way that you ...think he would have." I was careful to chose my words very carefully. Charlie face went from worry to bewilderment, and then back again. I stared up at him, worried that I had said something to send the wrong message. Charlie had the unfortunate ability to twist anyone's words into what he wanted to hear. It had to be a minute before Charlie spoke again.

"Did...he..._rape_...you?" The words came out weirdly. I was kind of amused at his question, for some morbid reason.

"No, no!" I yelled, finally controlling my tears. "Nothing like that."

"You sure? Because if he did I would kill his ass!"

"Charlie, I have not been _raped_." Wow, that word was hard to say. Charlie breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Why don't you go to the bathroom and clean up," Charlie suggested, still hovering over me. Wipe that blood off your body. And bandage yourself up."

"Okay," I muttered, as I put my right foot on the ground, trying to prepare myself to get up. My efforts were short lived because I fell onto the ground the second my left foot hit the floor. Charlie rushed over to me and helped me up. It took me about a minute to feel my feet again before I started to walk normally. Once I reached the bathroom, I turned to Charlie and spoke.

"Why don't you go back to bed? Big day tomorrow."

"But what if you fall again?" Charlie asked with a tint of hesitation in his voice.

"I'll be able to hold myself up this time," I answered to him with a smile. "Hit the sack." Charlie sighed.

"Well, okay. But promise me that you'll yell if you need me." I nodded and Charlie trudged off to his room, to return to his wife-to- be.

While washing myself off, I realized that there were dozens of cuts all over my body. I either hit the floor really hard, or I had fallen outside. But I hadn't remembered the latter. But I shrugged it off – I usually got bruised or cut without knowing.

After washing up, I carefully went down to the kitchen and looked through the cupboards for a band aid. In the end I managed to find one Power Puff Girl bandage that probably was older than I was. I laughed at that realization and headed back to my room, to the letter.

I entered my room slowly, as if I was afraid something would pop out if I moved fast. Inside my scratched up body, there was a war going on. Both sides screaming out to me at the same time, telling me what to do and why I should do it. My mind was telling me to avoid the pain that would come with opening the letter. The smart choice was to blow off this incident like it never even happened. But my heart, infinitely more powerful, was telling me to run to that bed and rip open that letter and rediscover Edward. And this was the part of him that he had left behind. I had been searching for it for the last nine years. If I didn't open it, I would have wasted a decade of my life..._.why, mind, would I avoid it now? I had been trying to avoid Edward my whole life, it's time that I stopped now. And heart, oh heart, that threw me into this mess in the first place, imagine the pain. Would I be able to handle it? _The question was, "Would it be worth it?" Would it be worth throwing away the last 9 years that I wasted by hiding from the truth, or would it be worth it to read that letter and pursue a life still centered around Edward? What if the letter was nothing? What if it was fake? What if its content didn't hint towards the fact that Edward would someday come back? These questions were the battle grounds for my heart and mind. But I was the one who made the decision.

I followed the part of myself that had killed me once before. But I had hope that it would redeem itself. I walked towards my bed- that precious piece of furniture that held so many memories- and sat down on the ground next to it. I took in a deep breath before reaching my hand under the bed.

"This is it," I said to Edward, out loud. "Isn't it?"I breathed in and out, in and out, controlling my body and my thoughts. "I found you." I reached under the bed and grabbed the light letter. I pulled it out slowly, careful to not knock it against the bed or the floor boards. When it emerged out of the darkness, my breath hitched. It was folded inside an elaborately decorated, small, white envelope. I eyed the decorations elaborately drawn on it. It was mind blowing to my heart and mind as I realized that Edward had touched this. He had drawn this. This was really him. It was really him.

"You still exist," I whispered to myself, looking out the window that he had entered so many times before. "You had just lied." I lightly traced the designs with my fingers, afraid that I would rip it. Shock ran through me as my fingers touched my name that he had written with such care. "You still love me," I said. "Otherwise you wouldn't have left this part of yourself here." I was amazed at how he wrote my name in his personal calligraphy. So beautiful. I held the letter up to take in all angles of this wonder, and light from the lamp illuminated the letter. At the meeting of the light, the decorations on the letter shone with gold. My heart stopped when I saw another name written in mine. Edward's. He had so perfectly and flawlessly intertwined his name into mine, but you could only see it in the light.

"Beautiful." I said to him. "Just beautiful." After inspecting the letter for a few minutes, I turned it over and prepared to open it. It would take more precision and control then I would ever had to open this envelope without ripping it. I slowly put my index finger under the fold and lifted. It easily came off.

"You're still looking out for me," I said, noting the way he closed the letter so that it would be easy open for me. I pulled out the letter and fell onto the floor at the amount of emotion thathit me when I saw the words written on that page. I put my eyes on the most beautiful piece of paper I had ever seen and started to read. As I started the letter, I realized that it was not his fault. He had left for me. He cared for me. He had loved me. And he still did...


	6. Letter 1

**Bella, I love you. Bella, I'm sorry.**

Bella, my life, my joy. The light of my dark existence. If you are reading this, I am gone. I am sorry. The moment I said goodbye, and pushed you out of my life, I knew neither of us would forget. But, your mind, so infinitely precious, I hoped would. Somewhere, deep inside the bottom of my heart's very essence, was a voice, pushing my hand , making me go against everything I had ever built. I'm writing this letter against all wishes and things I have ever built up for your protection. I hope these letters will keep you moving on, and start you on the life you were supposed to live. Follow and take in heart what these letters say, because this is the only way I can be with you.

I know the pain you will feel when you can no longer see me, or remember the sparks that ran through your veins and out of the nerve endings of your body when I pressed my head to your beautiful, beating heart. I know the pain you will feel when you can no longer remember the sound of my voice when I said, "I love you." I know your pain because I know mine.

Yet, for me, it is different. You will forget, but I won't. Your life, and your heart, is forever imprinted in mine. With each throbbing of my broken heart, my soul throbs three times as more for yours. I don't know what will happen in your life, (For I've told Alice to stop looking out for your future) but I hope that it will be better without me.

Before I left, when I was still by your side watching the slow breathing of your sleep, listening to the sweet beating of your heart, I was writing. Alice told me what was going to happen, and that itself brought me to the ground in crumpling pain. I didn't want it to be like that for you, sweetheart. I wanted it to be easier. Hundreds of nights I spent writing letters to you watching you sleep, wondering how much it would hurt. I would pick up _Wuthering Heights, _and read it when I was lingering on a part I didn't want to write. That made me more anxious. Cathy wouldn't let Heathcliff go. She spent her life reckless and unfulfilled. I don't want it to be like that for you, honey. When I'm gone, I don't want you holding on to what scraps of me are left. It will be harder for you to heal, and I can't live when I know you aren't. For your little heart's sake, please, just let me go.

Sweetheart, _**just let me go. **_

On September 16, three days after your ill and fateful birthday, I finished writing the series of letters I would leave with you. I hid them all over the world, where I thought you would most likely feel my presence. I hid them according to where Alice has seen you going in your lifetime, so I wouldn't interfere with whatever life you were living.

I won't tell you how many letters I wrote, but I'll tell you how many times I said I love you in those: 7,968 times. Some of the letters are closer than you ever would think. You are free not to open them, to save them if you please. But, please, for me, do open them. For I've sealed my heart in them.

Bella, I thought you _were_ my _life_.

But I was wrong. You _are_ my _soul._

Now, Love, it is dark. The points of light in the sky are gone, and I am forever blinded by your light. But it is okay. The memory of your face and voice lingers behind my eyelids. The drumming of your little insignificant heart still rings through my ears, bringing me closer to you. The memory of our life together is enough. Enough to last forever.

Edward

P.S I Love You


	7. Innocence

Sorry for the wait guys; I've gotten kind of sidetracked with all the extra curricular activities I have made for myself, so I hope this chapter will be worth the wait. :D

P.S. I love you all. XD

_P.S. I Love You, P.S. I Love You, P.S. I Love You. _That short phrase echoed in my ears at the same rate as my heart pulsed. After every sentenced I read of that long-awaited letter, I went back to the beginning and started again in fear that I had missed something. I was so shocked at what I was holding in my hands that my surprise made my limbs shake so I could hardly read. I had to read the letter several times before I actually realized what Edward was trying to say. Behind the words written on that page so long ago, I knew lied a deeper meaning. He still loves me. He loved me. And he had even said it at the bottom. So, why was it so, so hard to believe it? Was it the time, the distance, the experiences that took place in my life that drew me farther and farther away from him? Or was it myself? Was it the wall that I so firmly put up to shield me from the bitter truth? Or was it the scars? Was it the scars on my heart that he had so deeply made? But all of that didn't matter. I had found Edward. I had finally found Edward.

What hurt me the most from the letter was the fact that Edward had known about "this" prior to when it actually happened. He knew what it would do to me. He knew the pain. But why hadn't he warned me? Deep, deep inside, I knew the answer to that question. **He did**. He made it very clear that we did not belong together. He was no good for me, and I was no good for him. And he knew the consequences of the choice that we both foolishly made. It was apart of my human experience that he was so stubbornly set for me to have; to experience pain and to figure how to cope with it. For me, that _was_ a big part of life. And it still _is. _

While reading, I couldn't stop myself from delving into the thoughts I stopped myself from pondering over so thoroughly after he left. Where was he? How was he doing? So many mundane thoughts about where he was and what his state of life was. And there was one thought that I couldn't stop myself from thinking. _What if he had found someone else?What if he had moved on like he had wanted me to? _But this letter was a direct contradiction to that thought. Why would he have left his whole heart here in these letters if he was planning to give it to someone else? And that comforted me. When he left, I realized that to let someone go was the greatest testament of your love for them. I told myself that I was over Edward, that I had let him go, but inside, under all those lies I had made to protect myself, he still had a tight grasp on my heart. I knew that it would have hurt to tell myself that.

In the letter, Edward told me to let him go. To let him go...I couldn't do that. I couldn't live a life where he didn't exist. The past nine years supported that fact. I couldn't go back to the old life I had once had because I would fall right back into the rigorous cycle I made for myself. During those years, I wanted to feel life. No, I wanted to feel something. God, how much I hoped for feeling. And the moment I came back to Forks, I felt pain. And the moment I saw Jacob with _her_ I felt betrayal. The moment I saw Charlie with Sue I felt happiness. And the moment I opened this letter I felt loved. So, what was I to do? This letter opened my eyes to the real world. Edward existed, but he was gone. I should let him go, for my own good. I should continue with the life that I hoped Edward wanted for me. But frankly, I couldn't do either.

Moving on. His ultimate goal for me. But what was my goal for myself? To reach the goal Edward had for me? Yes.

"Fine," I said to Edward. "I'll do whatever you say. For you only." I stood up at that thought and carefully folded the letter in half. The world was a cruel, cruel place. I wasn't ready to delve right back into it. But I was more than willing to delve right back into Edward. I scanned the room for places where Edward would have hidden more things, for if Edward left a letter, he had most probably left more things.

"Come on Edward," I said to myself, pondering over places where he would have hidden other parts of himself. "Come on." Just as I was about to give up, I saw something shine out of the corner of my eye. I walked over to my bedside table and quickly turned on the lamp, so I could see the object better. I headed back over to the place where I had saw the shine, but could not see it now. I walked across my room, back and forth several times before I saw a reflection of something under the broken floorboard. I ran over to where I had fallen and crouched down. I then quickly pried open the floorboard and threw it to the side before reaching my hand into the dark depths where that letter was found.

For a few seconds, I thought the space under the floorboard was empty, but just before I was about to search another place, my hand came across a thick piece of plastic. I jumped in surprise at the feeling. I put my hand deeper in and discovered a necklace. I pulled both objects out and carefully placed them on the floor. I then examined both of them and realized there was no picture: there was nothing that I had hoped for.

I needed to see his face. I needed proof that he did once exist in my life. I needed to see him.

"Come on Edward," I said louder. "I need to see you." Those nine previous years were both emotionally and physically draining for me due to my efforts to shun thoughts of Edward from my mind and my physical search for the life I thought he wanted me to live. One of the biggest problems I faced when I let my heart take over my mind was when I thought of how he looked. I spent hours and hours pondering over his flawless body and almost too-stunning face because I was afraid. Afraid that I would no longer remember the angle of his cheekbones or how my favorite crooked smile of his lightly touched his eyes. I could not forget that angel face. That beautiful, angel face that captivated my heart at the first glance. If I lost my outward image of him, how was I supposed to remember the inward one? And that thought scared me. But my efforts to remember the features of his face in perfect detail were short lived, because two years in I got too caught up with life, and stopped thinking of him. It wasn't until the first day of my second year teaching at Dartmouth when something struck at the root of my fake life. A student, with the same shape of Edward's hair, awakened me from this dead man's sleep I was in. I went into an even deeper depression because I was so, so guilty. I couldn't stand the thought that I had forgotten Edward and had lived life as if he never existed. I hated living up to his words- because each time I fulfilled them I grew more scared. I was terrified that one day I would really forget him and put him in the back of my mind indefinitely. And the fact that my perfect image of him was fading from my mind gradually heightened my fears. One day, my mind, so little and incapable, would completely forget him. And that fear was too hard to overcome.

"Edward, I don't want to forget." My mind wandered back to his words in the letter. _You will forget, but I won't. _Would I someday live up to those words? "How am I supposed to let you go when I'm surrounded by you? These letters...I won't be able to let go of them...and I won't be able to let go of you. How am I supposed to move on?" For some insane reason, I waited for an answer. I watched the wind, hoping that it would answer my question. Minutes after waiting for an answer I knew would never come, I sighed and headed over to the objects I had discovered.

I picked up the black plastic CD case in hesitation in fear that it would hold the memory that brought one of my strongest pains. I turned it over several times, looking for a clue. Looking for anything. But there were only little dried up glue circles where something once had been. That was when a memory struck me. This was mine. Mine from nine years ago. Jessica Stanley had bejeweled this during one of our hang outs._ Jessica Stanley. _Wow, where was she now? And kind and caring Angela. I only hoped that life gave her what she deserved. And Mike? What was his last name?

"Newton!" I exclaimed in a whisper. But I was saddened. I hadn't kept in touch with any of them, like I had promised. I shunned them out of my life as I did Edward. Did they deserve it? Did any of the people that I hurt because of my selfish plants to protect myself ever think of me again after I left? Maybe Jacob and Charlie of course, but my friends? They didn't deserve to be forgotten. A wave of loneliness swept over me. I missed the care free and exhilarating years of high school, when the harsh reality of life was not present. I need those years back. But I had wasted them by running away from the memories that reminded me of them. I didn't have friends. I isolated myself from human companionship in fear of another set back. At Dartmouth, I was the teacher that every male wanted to get laid with. But under the fake beauty and life they must have seen in my face and walk, I was dying. I was void inside, as hollow as an empty candy jar. Yes, I was appealing from the outside, but inside, I had nothing to give. Nothing to offer. And so I felt that I wasn't good for anyone. I filled that void I had in myself with spontaneous nights with guys. I didn't care for their name, I just needed something, anything, to make me feel whole again. The one night stands helped for that night, but the morning after I was left feeling even more vacuous. I continued as the teacher slut in order to just get that feeling of being needed, of being wanted. It helped, the fact that I was reading this letter was the proof. But the things I went through just to feel whole scarred me later. Things were tumbling together to a boiling point – it wasn't until I had decided to attempt to "check out" when I realized what my life had become. I was ashamed and disappointed at what I had done, but I kept hurting myself in order to feel something. It was when I was sent to the hospital due to one of the deep cuts on my wrists I had made when I really got a wake up call. Literally, a wake up call. It was Charlie who called me. The hospital had found my one contact and called him with word of my condition. Charlie didn't rush over to me, I figured that he was too broken. Too pained. And I understood that. But he did open up himself to me, once again. He invited me over to Forks for his wedding. I thought about blowing the wedding off, and keeping the isolation I had from him, but I knew that it would mean a lot to him if I his one daughter came. I weighed the options, and decided that the people there who I couldn't stand to see would have probably moved away and would have lives at that point. So I hopped on a plane, and traveled back to my own grave. That was a week before this present day.

I opened the CD case with a slick movement and discovered its contents. The first CD was one that I got from Phil. _The Flames,_ the CD was titled. I couldn't believe that I had listened to music by a band with a title like that. But I figured that you couldn't judge a book by its cover, so I listened to it, and it proved to be great. After that, there were no CDs for the next ten pages.

"Hmmm..." I said to myself. "Why would he have left this?" And my question was answered a second later. "Oooh!" I exclaimed when I saw the dusty CD at the end of the book, tucked in a pocket. I slowly took it out, and then felt warm when I saw what it was.

_**Bella's Compositions**_

_**For Bella Swan**_

_**Composed by Edward Anthony Mason- Cullen **_

_**June 2008**_

The same shock that I had experienced when I found the letter ran through me. It took me a minute to comprehend what I was holding. The songs that he had wrote me. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. Could I listen to this? The real question was if I would be able to. I had survived the letter reading, so why couldn't I handle this? A few moments later I decided to listen to his compositions.

I headed over to my bedside table, knowing that my old CD player would still be in the place where I had last left it. I opened the drawer with a slick move and discovered that I had been right about where the player was. I picked up the player slowly and carefully, afraid that I would break it somehow. After I lifted it out of its coffin, I grabbed the ear phones nestled in the corner of the drawer and put them in my ears. I then popped the CD in.

As I was nervously waiting for the first composition to start, my eye caught something else in the drawer. I pressed pause before examining the object more thoroughly. It looked like a piece of paper, but it was covered in a canopy of dust and dirt. I headed over to the drawer and picked up the object inside. I carefully dusted the old thick pieces of paper off. To my utter surprise, the pieces of paper ended up being plane tickets from almost exactly nine years ago.

"No," I said out loud, throwing the tickets down and firmly shutting the drawer. I couldn't be brought back to that birthday...its memories would destroy me. But my mind did bring me back to Carlisle and sweet Esme. With those thoughts came a deep ache that I knew I would not be able to avoid. How I missed Carlisle and his wife. Where were they now? Perhaps Carlisle had adopted another child to teach his ways to. And Esme. And Alice. Sweet, cheerful Alice. I missed her the most. Where was she? I hope she had not faced harm. And the rest of the Cullens, my true brothers and sisters who accepted me against their natures. How I loved them all.

\ My mind wandered from the birthday to the Cullen's house. A wave of worry swept over me. Had the Cullen's beautiful house been condemned or destroyed to make more room for the people of this new bustling Forks? I started to panic at that point. I needed to find out myself. I couldn't keep my sanity thinking about the fact that there was a chance that the house or even the meadow had been destroyed. I would have to visit it tomorrow...

"No!" I exclaimed out loud, at my realization that it was my father's wedding tomorrow. I would have to do it after. Maybe Edward had left something there too.

I walked over to my bed and laid down. I needed to relax, so I turned on the CD player and waited for my lullaby to waft out of the CD player and into my awaiting ears. I started to cry uncontrollably as the first bar of that beautiful symphony took its full effect. My efforts to remember the melody of this song after he left did not do me justice. The song was much more hauntingly beautiful than I had remembered.

Innocence. That was why I could not remember the song in its entirety. The composition was so flawlessly created that it radiated the essence of innocence: Love. And I had lost all innocence after I abandoned Forks and threw myself in to this world. Back then, my innocence was not yet tarnished, I believed in true love, and reality did not yet make its grand appearance. I was actually happy. That was why I figured tears started to fall cascade out of my eyes. I had lost myself and who I truly was after leaving Forks. Innocence is staying genuine to the person you are- I had tried to do the opposite. I was stupid. I had wasted my life. I actually believed that I would be able to run away from all of the pain by running away from Forks. What an idiot.

This song reminded me of the innocence I once possessed. Reminded me of the wonder I felt for this world, and the adventure I saw in every new day. And above all, it reminded me of _him_.

"I'll do whatever you say," I sobbed out loud, acknowledging my failures. "Whatever."

I fell asleep to the soft thrumming of my insignificant heart and the beautiful, innocent sound of _him_ in my ears.


	8. What I Call Home: JPOV

** Hey guys, it's Breanna. I'm sincerely sorry that I haven't been posting any new installments to this story lately. I've been traveling, and life has taken a tight grasp on me and has thrown my _almost-limp_ body all over the place, so I really haven't had time to sit down at my computer and pour my thoughts out. Yah, Yah...I know what you're thinking: "Stop making excuses!" And you know, you guys are all right. I just hope that this chapter will have been worth the wait and that it is everything that you would want it to be. **

** I love all of you guys for your undying support. I am very fortunate to have such decent and talented people who take time out their busy days to read my stories. You all hold a special place in my heart. :D **

**Have fun reading this chapter...**

**Love always!**

**B**

**Jacob's Point of View (JPOV)**

Time stood still as the one I had once loved fell limp to the freezing ground. Her fall repeated in my head over and over and over. Over and over and over. The incident stroked me like lightning and light flashed behind my closed eyelids every time she plopped onto the ground. One second she was looking at me like she had just won the lottery, and the next she was glaring at me as if I had slaughtered her into a million tiny pieces. I laughed darkly at that thought- I _had_. Bella Swan, the girl I still loved, was lying lifeless on the sandy ground in a million little charred pieces, because _ I _had hurt her again. What a nice freakin' thought. To think that I had hurt again, even before I had actually made contact with her, was a concept I could not grasp. But that was how life was. You live a confusing life, your motive to find an explanation, but then die even more baffled than when you were alive. I _had_ died before.

Behind my eyelids I saw people disperse from their little clusters and run towards Bella after hearing Charlie's worried screams. They made crowds around her like sharks circling their hurt prey, waiting for the right time and spot to bite and bring them to their deaths. Bella was the bleeding dolphin I had hurt by one deep gash of betrayal. I had even made her more vulnerable to death by hurting her again. Sharks from miles away could smell her blood and rush to her for attack. Was my heart really ready to let her be swallowed up by another death? Would I be able to look pass all that she had caused me and welcome her back home, as if the past had never happened? One thing was for sure: I didn't know the answer.

"Jacob! Jacob! JAKE – OB!" I heard in a muffled scream from somewhere far, far away. That was odd. Who was calling my name? The darkness around me intensified my questions about this surreal place I was basking in.

"Jacob! Dammit! Look at me now!" The realization that this was my father's worried plea woke me up out the dark reverie I was so helplessly drowning in. I opened my eyes with a start and squinted them because of the brightness of the day light. I looked around and saw a crowd of people around Charlie and Sue. All I knew at that moment was that I needed to run to Bella and save her. I needed to say sorry for everything I had ever done. I positioned my feet in a sprinting position but when I was about to push off I was abruptly stopped.

"Jacob! Look at me!" Leah yelled as I noticed the tight grasp she had on my wrist. "Look at me dammit!" I forced my eyes on my very angered wife's face.

"What?" I threw back at her curtly. "What do you want?" A few seconds later I wish I had never said those few words because they ticked Leah off.

"What do you mean, 'What do you want?' What the hell Jacob! You almost collapsed! And you wouldn't listen!" I looked at Leah with disbelief. Was she really that controlling?

"God Leah!" I took my eyes off Leah and put them on the crowd. I needed to get over there. "Just stoppit! Okay? Just STOP IT." I said to her. "I'm fine. Everything's...fine." My voice stumbled on the last word. Everything was certainly not, and Leah noticed that.

"Fine?" Leah laughed in disbelief. "Oh no it isn't!" I rolled my eyes and groaned.

"It must be the hormones," Billy threw in, trying to lighten up the mood. But his efforts were not working.

"Not it is certainly not the baby!" Leah yelled at Billy. "I'm sick of Jacob not answering me when I call him!" Billy raised his eye brows lightly in the humor he hoped he was masking.

"Leah! I can't do everything! I just fazed out! Is there a problem with that?" I looked into her dark brown eyes in disbelief. Those ugly, ugly eyes. I missed my Bella's warm, chocolate ones. And that want made my yearn to run over to that crowd even stronger. So, what was I still standing her for? Why wasn't I over there with my Bella? What was holding me back? Rachella? Or the worry? I was tired of worrying. Tired of always having a tight grasp on everything that happened in my life. I needed to give up some control, before my efforts started controlling me. And because of that realization, I put both of my feet in a sprinting position and pushed off as Leah rambled on about how I ignored her.

"Jacob Black! You fucking come back here!" Leah yelled out to me from far away. I smiled to myself and moved my legs faster in the opposite direction. _Fuck_ her.

Anxiety flowed from me as I approached the crowd. I pushed on-looking spectators out of the way and finally reached my Bella.

People around her continued to ask her questions that she probably had no capability of hearing in her state. "Is she okay? Is she hurt?" Sue asked one of the onlookers. No one answered. "Get someone over here! Hurry!" An orchestra of voices, all flowing together simultaneously, but I could still make out each and every single word .

I eyed Bella and she started to twitch. Then she started to shake violently. That was when the crowd went crazy. About a minute later she shocked every one with her words.

"Stop! Stop!" She said out loud, in a blood-curling scream. No one moved. A few seconds later, after more twitching and shaking, Bella went still. Then she opened her eyes to the world. As if she had been reborn. She gazed at each and everyone in the crowd before realizing where she was and what she was doing there. I saw her pull down her pencil skirt in embarrassment.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," she said ashamed, her eyes to the ground. My precious then gathered the strength to sit up. She then tried to stand up. She struggled a couple of times and fell back down to the floor ounce before any one of the crowd woke from the shock and helped her up. She then ran to the parking lot before any one else of the crowd, excluding me, could comprehend what just happened. When she disappeared behind the corner of the bathroom house I awoke from my shock and ran towards her.

"Don't worry!" I yelled out to the crowd. "I'll get her!" I ran over to the frozen Charlie and Sue. "Charlie, I'll go get her. I'll drive her home. You guys continue with the rehearsal dinner."

"Ar—reee, you sure?" Charlie stumbled out slowly, as he offered his keys to me.

"Yes," I replied already ten feet away from him. "I can handle it." Charlie smiled and Sue mouthed a thank you. I smiled back and turned around so I could run faster.

It took me a while, despite my quick efforts, to find Bella's car. For God's sake, I figured that it would have been the only Volvo in the lot. But apparently, Charlie invited a lot of well off people. Ten minutes after the incident, I finally found my Bella. As I looked into the glass, I realized that she was fast asleep. My heart started to beat faster each second that I saw her. She was finally _here. _My body filled with warmth as I watched her breathe. She was so, so beautiful when she slept. So peaceful. Untarnished by the reality of the day before. When she slept she was the Bella before he left. She was _my _Bella.

I silently opened the door to the driver's side, where Bella was strewn across the seat. I turned down the radio because of the volume, and carefully lifted Bella up out of the seat and carried her out of the car. It was then that I saw her clearly for the first time in...awhile. There were dark purple circles under her eyes, like she was one of those _blood suckers. _(I used the term "blood suckers" because they didn't deserve another name. After all, one of their kind killed my Bella and took her away from me.) How tired she must have been. Had this life treated her well? Was her life really the picture perfect one I had many times imagined for her? And her eyes. When they opened, would I be able to look at them? Or, would I be reminded again of why I denied her once before?

I carried Bella to the other side of the car and softly laid her down on the back seats. I shut the door and opened the truck of her car – she had to have a blanket, right? I delved into the organized contents of that truck and discovered an earthquake pack in the very back. There I found a blanket.

After covering her with a blanket, I sat in the driver's seat and started the car. I was thankful that this was not my truck...technically. The starting of the engine would have surely woken her up. I then started the drive. The drive, with my Bella, back _home_. Where we both belonged.

We arrived back at her home after a very long hour in the car. Every thirty seconds I would look in my mirror and gaze at her to make sure that she was really here. My mind was still having a very hard time comprehending the fact that my beloved was in reach...

I lifted Bella out of the car and headed for the house. At that moment, I realized that Charlie hadn't given me the house key. If this had taken place ten years ago, I wouldn't have needed a house key; Charlie would have left his house unlocked because there was no danger. But now, crime was bustling in Forks at the same rate as its people. But Bella surely should have a key. I looked for her purse back in the car but discovered that she didn't bring one. I would have to touch her to retrieve the key out of her pocket. Was I willing to go that far?

I slowly reached my hand to her hip and slipped my hand into her pocket. I tried to scrunch my large hands together so I wouldn't graze her sides, but I failed at that attempt. At our touch, electricity wired through my veins and out of the nerve endings of my body. I flinched in shock. I forgot how my Bella felt under my warm hands. I closed my eyes and sighed as I thought about my attempts to win Bella from that leech. I deserved her! He hadn't been through anything! He just won her, without much effort. How hard I worked in hopes to get her. And how hard I took it when those hopes were smashed.

I retrieved the key and opened the front door into the house that I had once tried to run away from. The smell of coffee and _her_ scent hit me as I walked Bella into the house. After trudging up the stairs to her room, I reached the door to her lair, but then I stopped in my tracks. Could I open this door? Would it be the same as when she so quickly left it? All I knew was that her delicious scent was wafting out from the slit under the door. I flared my nostrils open and took in a large breath. Mmm...freeshia and lilac layered the air around me. I couldn't wait to see what lay in that room behind this door.

I slowly opened the door and brought Bella to her bed. I laid her down softly, knowing that one wrong move could awaken her from the painless sleep she was sure to be enjoying. After tucking her into bed I left for a minute and retreated to her dusty closet to retrieve a warmer blanket. There I was hit with the scent she was so famous for a decade ago. Her teenage clothing was still in the same places as she had left them last. I gently skimmed my hands along those beautiful garments that framed her flawless frame so perfectly, and took in her scent again. How much I missed my old Bella! The one lying on her bed was sure to be different than the one I was used to. But surely, the old Bella was still hidden in there behind all of the new layers of rough skin created by the scars. I just had to peel her back.

I reached into the back of the closet and my hand skimmed something rough in one of those big black trash bags. For some reason I felt compelled to look through her things and open it. I pulled the drawstrings and the bag opened to reveal a mutilated radio and two ripped plane tickets. I picked one of the torn plane tickets and scanned them for an expiration date. In the right hand corner I found what I was looking for. These hadn't expired or lost value over the decade that they were hiding in this closet. I put both plane tickets into my pocket, not out of greed, but of the thought that Bella and I could use them later, and took the blanket. As I was retreating from the small closet, my broad shoulders skimmed something on the shelf. I held my breath as I watched the heavy clock wobble by the edge and then...fall hardly onto the wooden floorboards. I quickly shifted my body out of the way of its impact spot and hit the closet doors in response. The crash was **loud. **

"Shit!" I muttered to myself. I put my ear to the closet door in order to hear the sounds of Bella waking up. But there were none. I breathed out a sigh of relief and went outside back into her room. I slowly tiptoed to Bella's bed and laid the heavy blanket on her. I froze as she flinched at the blanket's touch.

After Bella stopped moving, I slowly sat down on the edge of her bed and watched her. I timed my breaths with her breaths, so it felt as if we were both in sync. I had waited so long for her to come back. So long. A lifetime. But I couldn't wait forever. And that's why I moved on. But I had never truly let her go. I had held on to her deep, deep inside, my grasp on her not visible on the outside, so I truly couldn't see it myself. I wanted to touch her soft, silky skin, and run my warm hand across her delicate cheekbones...I wanted to do so much more. But I was tied back so firmly by my other life that I couldn't move an inch. It would take something more, something out my immediate reach. It would take her willingness to do the same for me to break apart from this life. So when she scooted her hand slowly across her bed and approached my leg I was filled with warmth. I froze in place, careful to not alarm her by any sudden movements. Her small hand inched up my leg, every so slowly, leaving a trail of fire behind in its path. I scanned her face for some recollection of what she was doing, but only saw desire and warmth line the folds of her features. I smiled and slowly moved my hand down to hers. At our touch, I glanced at Bella's face and she smiled. Could this be for real? She slowly rubbed her hand against mine, and my heart skipped a beat. This was the Bella I knew.

"Jacob," Bella muttered in her sleep, as she continued her hand motions. I closed my eyes and laughed quietly in disbelief.

"I'm here Bella," I said a little louder then I needed. At my words Bella smiled, but retrieved her hand from mine and turned over to her other side. I sighed at her actions.

"Oh Bella. If only you knew how long I've been waiting for you..." At my words Bella tossed and turned. I held my breath. She finally stopped when she was facing her bedside table. After a few seconds, I saw her move. I froze in my place as I watched her cock her head to see what time it was. 2:30 in the morning...Bella sighed, agitation layered in her movements, and turned to her other side, to my side. At that moment, I accidentally laid my foot back onto the floor, making a loud sound that Bella heard. Her body frozen in place as she heard the sound, and a few seconds later she reached under her bed for something. I was as bewildered as she was at that point. I knew what the object was the moment that I saw the handle. A bat. She got out of the bed and assembled the bat into a hitting position. She slowly approached me and I stood up. I brought my arms close to my body reflecting the fact that I was innocent. As she was in arms reach, she positioned the bat and took a stance. Just as she was about to whack me in the head with it, I spoke up.

"Bella! What are you doing!" At my words Bella froze in place. After about ten seconds of shock, she ran over to her bedside table and turned on the light. "It's me, Jacob."

Fury stroked her face at my words. "Get out!" she screamed.

"Bella, no!" I threw back at her. "I came here to tell you something." I slowly walked back to where she was sitting on the bed.

"No! Get the hell out of here! Who let you in?" Bella said with fervor.

"Charlie! He wanted me to talk to you. He wanted me to give you something!" I looked at her with disbelief. I guess this was the way I should have expected things to pan out. If I were her, I would want to smack the hell out of myself also.

A few seconds later Bella spoke the words that gave me a better insight into what she was feeling: "What can you give me that you have already given her!" Bella through at my nastily. I was stunned beyond belief at her choice of words.

"That's...what I'm here for," I stumbled out of my closed mouth. It came out as a whisper. Bella loosened her grip on the bat and let it fall out of the hitting position.

"Go." Bella said curtly, a little less angered, but her face told me that she still wanted to smack the hell out of me. Before I spoke, she headed over to the switch and turned the lights on. When she turned around I saw her. She was so, so beautiful. As she had always been. But her eyes, oh those eyes! They were still the color I loved, but those milk chocolate beauties were hidden under a deep, deep layer of a hard life. I scrutinized her body, my eyes traveling over every angle of her flawless figure, noting the fact that she was still the Bella I loved, but stronger. I just wanted to hug her at that moment, but all I could do was stand there, like an idiot, emotion running through me at seeing how much she had grown up. My Bella was no longer the innocent girl I had fallen in love with; she was tarnished and worn and torn by the cruel oceans of this world. It was clearly shone in her beautiful face, under the mask she put up so Charlie wouldn't worry. She was hurting, like I was.

I could tell Bella was also looking me over, because her eyes were protruding in surprise. What a sight I must have been. Bella was the first to move; she headed over to the edge of her bed and slowly sat down.

"Wow, Bella," I choked out, my eyes popping out of my sockets, as I continued scanning her for some imperfection. "What happened?" A few seconds later I wished I hadn't spoken those words because as I said them Bella's face crumpled into anger.

"Life happened!" Bella said, curtly. "You know what the hell happened! I left. After _he_ left. You know all too well how this played out." And the sad part was, she was right. Bella and I were both lost in the strong current of this world...we were ghosts. Both floating along in this world, trying to find something that we had left behind, before we went peacefully and feeling fulfilled into whatever next life was destined for us.

"Bella, I came over here to see how you were. Not to make you feel bad. If you don't want me here, then I'll leave," I said, looking at the door; I was ready to leave. "Don't you have a wife to go home to?" she asked sharply. "I think she would be thrilled at that fact that her husband is out in the middle of the night in another grown woman's bedroom. Don't you think?" I rolled my eyes in disbelief. Screw Leah. Screw her. But Bella was right. There were more important things in my life now. Like my daughter. My little, Rachella.

"Bella, I' m sorry. Okay?" I said, shaking my head in anger. "I should have never come." And I headed to the door. As I was about to leave the room, Bella spoke up.

"Jacob, come back over here." For a moment, I didn't. I wanted things to go back to where they had been for the past decade, but there was some outside force, drawing me closer and closer into Bella Swan. I sighed and headed back to where she was sitting.

"I'm sorry for being an ass," Bella said, looking to the ground. "You don't deserve it."

"I can understand," I blurted out, without thinking, trying to comfort her. Bella started to get angry again. She was definitely more hormonal then I had every remembered. Maybe she really was bipolar. _Or maybe she had just been through a lot,_ I thought to myself.

"No you can't!" Bella said, a little louder then she should have. I for some reason was stunned at her words. Did she really think that my life was picture perfect? That I hadn't experience pain while she was gone, living the life most people would die to have?

"No, I didn't mean that Jacob," Bella said, taking back her words. She sighed in humiliation. That's when ten years worth of anger exploded out of my mouth.

"Bella, did you really think that when you left Forks I would be okay with it? That it wouldn't have impacted my life in some way at all?" I laughed in disbelief. "You don't know how many people you were leaving behind when you left Forks. It wasn't just Charlie and me. Everything was different after you left."Everything was different. There was a void in myself, a deep void, that took my enthusiasm for life away. I looked to the ground. "You're father was crushed. I don't think he ever told you that." It hurt to see my father hurt...Charlie had affected Billy. Charlie no longer wanted to fish, he was a lot like Bella those weeks after that fuckin' blood sucker left. "Dammit Bella, I had to clean up your mess after you were gone! I had to take care of Charlie, I had to take care of Sue after Harry died, and I had to take care of my father. And I did it all for _you_." I stopped and threw her an angry glance. I knew the next sentence I threw at her would hurt her the most "And you know what was the worst? Breaking my promise and realizing deep, deep inside that I didn't care. That hurt me the most." At this point there were tears in her eyes. "And you don't even say thank you." I shoke my head and frowned in disgust. I walked back and forth across her room before speaking again. "You don't know how long I waited for you. You have no idea." I stopped and looked up. "If only you knew, Bella Swan, how much you have hurt Charlie. If only you knew how much you scarred me." I stopped for a couple of seconds looking for the right words. "Can I ask you something? Did you really think I would wait for you?"

"Yes," she answered simply. I stopped walking back and forth across the room at her words, and forced my eyes on her.

"But how long can one wait?" I threw back at her. "How long! That was the question I asked myself many times before. You were off living your nice life. You got a great job, a nice pay, all the toys you could want, not even mentioning the men, and settled down into the high life...while I put mine on hold in hopes that you would come back. I didn't think that that was fair. So I stopped." I breathed in a big breath after I said those words. I felt better after pouring my mind out to her. Ten years of capped emotions had finally gone from me, leaving me a lighter person. But I was going to definitely be a more vulnerable one.

"Like that?" she asked, wondering if I had let her go on a crazy whim.

"No, it was gradual. I met Leah, and we...fell in love." My voice changed when I said love. I was lying. We both were silent after my declaration. I couldn't say anything more, even though there was so much more I wanted to say. Many things that would contradict what I had just said were still bottled up in my heart, ready to one day pour out...

"When did you let me go," Bella said, almost inaudibly, in a whisper.

"I'm not answering that," I said sharply. I was not ready to confess the truth, because frankly, I didn't know if the words were it. "Anyways, you owe me some answers."

"I don't have much to say," she replied back, as if she was purposely trying to anger me more.

"Maybe sorry! How 'bout that for you?" At those words I headed to the door. I didn't glance back at Bella because I knew she would be stunned to silence by my words. But I had to speak one more thing that had been constantly weighing down on my heart for the past decade. I slowly opened my mouth and turned around to face the one who had hurt me.

"Bella, I just want you to know that you have hurt me. Scarred me for life. And how could I have let you go when memories of you were still here, firmly implanted in my head, and on my heart? How about that for an answer." I closed my eyes and sighed, as I put my hand on the door knob and twisted it, opening the door. Before stepping out, I realized that I had one more thing to say.

"Bella, I'm tired at being at war with myself. So tired of it." I shoke my head and opened my eyes. I was searching for the right words to express what I wanted to say. "Bella, the answer to your last question: I never did." And I walked out of the door. I didn't expect it to be that simple. I knew that it would take Bella longer then the time that it would take me to exit her house in order to connect the things that I had just said. That gave me time to run away from her, to figure things out. But I didn't know where to go. I couldn't go back to Leah's, she would give me a lot if I came back in the middle of the night, but I couldn't stay here, with Bella. That would be more painful then Leah's cutting words. _But then where could I really go? _I laughed out loud at the answer of those words. I had no other home...Leah and Rachella were my home...but that was a faulty one.

I exited out of Bella's house and ran into the forest, not knowing where I would end up at the end of this. I heard Bella's urgent cries and I so wanted to turn around and run back to her, but I knew that that was not how it should play out.There were many questions going through my mind. Should I be the one to leave her this time? Should I give her a taste of her own medicine? Would I be willing to hurt her again? One thing was for sure: I knew that once I left her I would be the one hurt the most

So, I continued running through the forest, looking for anything. Anything. Looking for anything that would remind of what I used to call home. And I did realize, deep, deep, inside, that the house and the girl I was running away from was what I had been looking for all along.


	9. My Shooting Star: EPOV

HEYYYYYYY GUYS! Sorry I haven't updated in weeks! I'm not gonna throw out an excuse, I've just been lazy or have not been in the mood to write a depressing piece in a while...HERE'S EDWARD'S POINT OF VIEW! I so wished Stephenie Meyer could have put in little pieces of Edward's point of view during New Moon, because that would have really given us a better idea of Edward's character. But, whatever! Here's my take on Edward's feelings during all of these happenings. Please excuse the grammar and spelling mistakes. My mind sometimes wanders from the passage I'm actually writing so...lets just say things get screwed up. Thank you for reading on and dismissing this little mistakes. Okay...hope you like it! ;d

AS always, please review :D

Love you all,

B

P.S. After about five or six chapters after this one I will be speeding things up...meaning I'll be going through Bella's life faster, instead of focusing on each day. So, things will be more interesting!

_SONG CHOICE FOR EPOV'S: BROKEN BY LIFE HOUSE AND YOU COULD BE HAPPY BY SNOW PATROL_

**8 years of denial **

**96 months of impassive wandering**

**2,918 days of regret**

**5,778,720 minutes of painful solitude**

**46,229,760 seconds of still loving her**

**And all of that doesn't matter**

Nothing matters. Not even time. Nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing. Nothing fills my days now. Absolutely nothing. Not even blackness. But at least nothing is something.

The first few years after she left, my mind was in a coma. I was basking in a numbing state where everyone and everything disappeared around me, and it was just me, there, in the darkness. Alone. I wandered the streets of Brazil, like a walking dead man, as if I was actually the monster I was created to be. But not even the time and solitude to ponder over the previous events could aid in my healing. Nothing could heal me. I was a lost cause. There weren't scars after the event- they did not form. I was still suffering from the wound. It was still taking its hold on me, thrashing me all over the place, and submerging me into the eternal darkness. I still had the cut. And frankly, I didn't know if I would ever scar.

I don't know how I made it through those first years, when everything around me seemed fake, worthless. But yet again, I still can't comprehend how I can still be alive _now. _Maybe destiny was keeping me on this God forsaken earth, but I didn't know why. I had willingly left my purpose of life behind, in hope that she would true to pursue hers. What more was there in store for me? I couldn't possibly muster up the strength and courage to leave her completely behind, to let her go in order to do what I was meant to on this earth. She was what I was supposed to do, she was _my_ destiny. But I wasn't hers.

I wasn't really fed up with the darkness that filled my life. It was my friend, keeping me from facing the truth head on. And for this beautiful creation of nothing, I will be forever grateful. I got used to being alone, I figured that was the case because even when I was with the Cullens I was in my own world. So, I was attuned to it.

Sometimes when I lose control of my mind, I let myself slip into the darkness and let the thoughts of her envelope me. Most of the time, I ponder over her beautiful face, the face of an angel. I would imagine myself skimming my cold hand along her soft face and along her cheekbones that seemed as if they were created just for me. My heart would not ache during these times that I thought of her, and that would make me guilty. Guilt. My most faithful and loyal companion. I was so used to hurting that the feeling of not having the sensation of pain tearing me into pieces came as a shock. It was truly beautiful what she did to me, that little, insignificant human. She made my cold heart feel alive again. Everything she did was a masterpiece, painted by some higher being. The way her shoulders gently lifted every time she would breathe fascinated me beyond my own comprehension and the way she would speak warmed my heart. And those beautiful, beautiful lips, that I had kissed a few times so long ago. So soft, those openings of her precious soul. And her eyes, those deep, chocolate brown eyes, that sent me into a daze. How beautiful they were, but how horrible the things she hid behind them. Those innocent eyes, staring back at me, into my soul. I wanted to gaze into those eyes again, to reassure that everything would be alright. But I couldn't now. I was here alone, in a dirty apartment, dreaming about the beautiful, sensitive girl I had let go.

I also pondered over how her life was turning out. I hoped for happiness and wellbeing over all. I hoped to God that my act of leaving her benefited her more than it did me; I hope that she was married, and had little, beautiful, cream colored children. I hope that she woke in the morning with a smile, ready to tackle on the adventures of the next day. But I told myself all of this to comfort myself, because I knew it was not true. Alice had told me what would happen, and I had left the letters. I hoped that she would find them eventually, so she could finally restart her life. In those dozens of letters I left her, I hoped to tell her that I loved her and that I was always thinking of her, and that she needed to find peace with that I would no longer be apart of her life. Most of all, I hoped that by making her face the past she would be able to face the future. And I hoped that gradually through the time it would take her to read those letters and fulfill what was said in them, she would let me go. That's what I hoped. But I hoped a lot. She needed to let go.

How much I love her! How much it hurts when I dream of her only to wake up to a dark, empty world. How much I miss her, how much it aches to know that she's still stuck in the same state as I. And how much it hurts to know that eventually, she'll let go of me. But that's something I'm willing to face.

"My dear, sweet Bella," I say aloud, to myself. "Bella." I close my eyes and thank the person up there in the clouds that my kind weren't capable of crying, because my apartment would be flooded. "How much I miss you, my sweet one." I stared at the ceiling of my one room apartment and sighed when I made the brown stains on the wall paper form the face of the one I loved. I rolled my eyes in disbelief and slowly got out of the bed I spent most of my day in. I only retreated from my apartment when I needed to hunt, which was every few months.

I gradually made my way to my dirt stained balcony and looked at the stars, for some sign of hope. I had done this every night, after I read Wuthering Heights, her favorite book. By now, I had memorized it. I felt compelled to gaze at the little points of light in the sky, I felt as if I was searching for something. Here I thought more of her. For hours I stood in the same position, memorized by the beauty and the awe of the stars. I would stare at the moon for the most time, hoping that she was staring at it too. But that was a lost cause, because she was on a different continent then I. I was searching for something, just one thing, to connect her with me once again, but I had found nothing yet.

After a minute or two, I went back into the apartment and headed over to my family's pictures that I had also felt compelled to put up. I missed them too, but I needed to be own my own for a little bit. I missed Esme's loving arms the most. She was the closest I got to feeling loved. And I felt guilty for leaving them too, but I had to do what I had to do. I couldn't stand to look at my family's faces again, because I would see pity and sorrow reflected in them. They reminded me too much of _her_. But everything in my life reminded me of our time together, even the stains on the wall. I had caused those ugly brown patches of scars on her heart's wall, and no ingredient could remove it. Except the love that had caused it. The only difference between Bella and my predicament was that she had some one to look after her, a friend or perhaps a boy friend to help her heal. And I, on the other hand, had totally isolated myself from the outer world, in hopes that doing so would help my wounds heal faster. She had been the greater in that she at least had tried to put this behind her.

The last time I had seen my family it had been an accident, or so I thought. Carlisle had traveled down to Brazil with Esme to study exotic plants and their uses, and while he had been hunting, I ran into him. I looked into his eyes and saw pain and hurt, and I knew that that was what I had caused him by my sudden departure. And guilt over came me again. After that incident I refused contact with any family member, in hope that I would pain them no more. They too needed to go on with their existences...they couldn't put theirs own hold because I had abruptly stopped mine.

Alice would call in periodically, every year or so, to tell me how Bella was doing. I eagerly waited for those calls, sometimes for days on end, just wanting to know a little about how my Bella was doing. And it would always pain me after hearing how she was. She still hadn't moved on, despite my efforts to ensure that she did. She still hadn't forgave herself for all the pain she had inflicted on her own heart. She still hadn't forgiven the town she had run away from. She still hadn't forgiven me.

Alice should have called by now. It had been more than three years since the last time I had heard her voice. She knew what the absence of her calls did to me. Hopefully she had seen me on edge in advance; maybe she would call in the next week or so.

So, I headed over to the phone and sat down on the old, broken chair that I had destroyed after throwing it at the wall during one of Alice's phone calls. I had tried to mend it to the best of my ability, _but I wasn't great at fixing things after destroying them._ I laughed darkly at the hidden message I did not first notice in my own words. I waited there the next hour, making pictures out of the dirt stained table cloth the phone was sprawled on.

Hours later, my soul was awakened by a ring. I reached my hand for my phone and quickly flicked it open. I pressed my ear closer to the phone and waited for the words.

"Edward," Alice said, acknowledging my presence. I did not respond. "It's Bella," she continued, in a happier tone then I expected.

"Yes?" I managed to mumble out of my closed mouth. She hesitated for a few seconds and that worried me speechless. After what seemed like ages, Alice spoke again.

"She found the letters," she said flatly. At that moment, It felt as if had plunged head first into a concrete wall, awakening all of my dead senses. I felt a breeze come in from the window, Bella was speaking. Finally! My Bella had found me!

"Finally," I said, quietly, to myself. "Finally." I closed my eyes and smiled for the first time in seven years. I looked outside at the moon, and I felt drawn to get up, put the phone down, and walk over to the balcony and stare at the light in the sky. That was when words came to me...

"**Your memories gently caress my skin**

**As I look deeply into the light of the moon**

**That glorious light of promise**

**That brought me back to you"**

"Just beautiful," I said out loud, happier then I had been in years. Today was the day Bella mustered up the courage to face the past, but she didn't know at that time, that she had finally possessed enough courage to face the future.

Hours later, I retreated to the dusty piano in the corner of my cramped apartment, and sat down on its bench for the first time in eight years. I gently lifted my hands out of my lap and grazed them over the keys that had one time held so much love. But now, it was almost painful to look at them, because of all the memories they possessed. In my head, a sudden idea came. My fingers followed, and I started a composition, a composition about _her._...

_( If you want to hear the other lullaby he composed for Bella, follow this link to my Youtube channel and it should be the featured video. .com/user/urtwilightbuddy11#p/a/f/0/4fkIrZst5bo)_

As my fingers skimmed around the keys, making an orchestra of love, I realized what this song possessed. This composition was about Bella, it would always be about her. But it was about the innocence she once possessed, the pure innocence of a child, unknown to the troubles of this world. I selfishly thought that by creating this song, I would be comforted by creating for myself the image that my Bella was still the woman I had left so long ago.

After finishing the composition and tweaking it a little, I was finally content with it and the past. I scanned my head for a name for my creation and the most obvious was the most fitting. "Love's Innocence" was what I decided to title it.

"**Love's Innocence" **

**by Edward Anthony-Mason Cullen**

**on September 12, 2014**

**for my love.**

I got off the bench and headed back over to the window, to stare at the stars again. A deep sense of contentment radiated through my body, and overwhelmed my senses. I smiled when I realized it was only a matter of decades before Bella was ready to meet me again. I scanned the night sky and I gasped when I saw out of the corner of my eye a light flash across the dark, foreboding sky. I smiled as I realized the connection.

" My sweet Bella, my sweet shooting star. The only one who has every brightened up the sky of my life." I brought my eyes to that glorious light of promise and I saw her beautiful face in its soft light once again. My life. My Bella.


	10. Wedding

Okay, this time around, we are back to Bella's point of view! Thank God...it's VERY hard to capture Edward's thoughts and write them on paper to create an accurate expression. As always, thank you for reading these chapters, favoriting them, and most of all REVIEWING them. Seriously, guys, the feedback that you give is what keeps me going! Anyways, I hope you LOVE this chapter of Edward's P.S. I Love You. (BTW: More Letters are comin' soon! :D)

And sorry if I don't post again for awhile; FINALS ARE HERE. Ugghhhh!

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep_. I awoke with a start to the annoying rhythmical beeping of the ancient alarm clock by my head, and to the sound of the autumn wind pulsing against the window. I forced my eyes open to the dark room, and put my eyes on the alarm clock, beeping away by my side. I lifted my stubborn arm from my side, where it had been lazily laying for the last six hours, and slapped it down on the "Snooze" button of that dastardly creation. A few seconds later, to my relief, the beeping stopped, and my tense body relaxed. I eyed the numbers and figures on the alarm clock, trying to make sense out of them, and jumped up from my bed when I realized it was 10:30 in the morning.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I muttered to myself as I ran to my door, and opened it, looking for any sign of life. I heard the soft moan of the refrigerator and the sound of coffee being made. I looked down the hallway and noticed that Charlie and Sue must've been up because their bedroom door was open, and I could see their bed had been made. I quietly ran down the hallway on my tippy-toes and saw Charlie fully dressed, at the dining table, reading the newspaper. But there was something on his face...light signs of apprehension, perhaps. But I couldn't put my finger on why his mood was different this morning. I scanned his body for any other sign of clues and concluded that he was also nervous because of that rate of which he was tapping his left foot. But why was he feeling these emotions? I scanned my brain for information, and touched my forehead as if I believed that would help. At my hand's touch, my brain pulsed in pain. Damn, I would have a bruise. That was when the previous night's events came to me.

"Oh, oh...oh!" I exclaimed out loud to myself, forgetting that Charlie was only ten feet below me. At my words, Charlie looked up.

"Oh, hia' Bells!" At his sudden greeting I jumped.

"You okay up there?" Charlie asked, realizing that he had scared me. I brought my hand from my sore face and forced my eyes down onto my father.

"Yah, I'm great." And, only seconds later, I again brought my hand to my face to rub my bruised spot, believing that would make it better. Charlie peered up at me and a sign of recognition flashed across his face.

"How's that bruise of yours? Does it still hurt? Cause you hit your head pretty hard last night..." I peered down at him, hoping that my efforts to conceal my pain were working.

" Yah..yah!" I reassured him, a grin plastered onto my sore face. " I'm fine." Charlie smiled at my remark and asked another question.

" Remember that you're picking up Billy at two," Charlie said. My face went blank. And why was I picking up Billy again? I really must've hit my head hard. Charlie must've seen the look on my face and knew that I had totally forgotten.

"Bella, how hard did you hit your head?" Charlie asked with a chuckle. "Seriously. The wedding, today, at 3." Charlie gazed at me, his eyes layered with worry. I lifted my eyebrows in surprise.

"Oh, oh, oh!" I exclaimed out loud. How did I ever manage to let that slip my mind? "I guess I should be getting ready," I said outloud, mostly to myself.

" Umm...yah," Charlie said, answering my question. "Sue is already down at the beach, I decided to stay behind. With you, of course." I frowned at his words.

"Charlie, you don't need to be here for me, all the time. I'm an adult. You have your own life to live, I don't want mine to stop you from living yours," I said. Charlie also frowned at my words.

"I guess I don't know what to do with myself anymore," Charlie said, staring at the pictures of me spanning from baby to one taken previously on the wall.

"Well, you soon will," I replied back at him. "You have Sue waiting for you. You should be getting ready yourself, you can take a shower first, if you want." Yep, everything else had changed except the fact that this house still had one very small bathroom.

Charlie smiled and got out of his chair. He made his way up the stairs and I waited there for him.

"Oh Bells," he said, as I took him into my arms. This moment was awkward for us both because we never showed our emotions. I ransacked my brain for the last time I had hugged my father, and tears welled up in my eyes because I did not remember.

"Charlie, you'll be okay. You're a strong-willed man with a beautiful heart, you have all it takes to make this work." I forced my eyes down on Charlie and realized that he had gotten much shorter over the time when I was gone.

"Thanks, Bella," Charlie said into my shoulder. About a minute later, I released Charlie and spoke.

" Charlie, you get ready first. It's your day...and besides, I don't need to take a shower." At my words Charlie sheepishly smiled and made his way upstairs to the tiny bathroom we had some how managed to share for years. I then trudged my iron-like legs onto the stairs and forced them to carry me back to my lair.

That's when I forced my brain into plan-mode. What part of my room was I going to tackle first? The closet? The Vanity? Or maybe my luggage case? Regardless, I needed to find a dressy dress soon, before time ran out. And I couldn't wear what I wore at the rehearsal dinner, I had ruined that and its "taste" when I fell limp to the sandy ground. So, what was I left with? I scanned my room and came across a black trash bag lying limply in a secluded corner behind my desk near the window. My heart skipped a beat in excitement as I realized there must be some discarded pieces of clothing hidden in there, but my heart stopped completely, all together, a second later, when I suddenly remembered what the contents of this trash bag were.

I let my mind wander back to my 18th birthday, and this time, I let the pain find me. I couldn't hide from it forever...and in those sad, sad memories that had ended up shaping my shit of a life, there came a memory that for some reason was innocently beautiful, because of all the pain that it had once had transformed itself to be. It was September 13th, my 27th birthday, and Charlie's wedding. It was hard to comprehend how much beauty was laden in this day, but even more disturbing to uncover the events that were layered nine years deep under its beautiful surface...this day was beautiful, in some crazy, erractic, unexplainable, and impossible way.

And because of today's date and the realization, I walked over to the trashbag and gently pulled the drawstrings open. I guess I should've expected to know what had inhabited that bag for years, but I my heart still thumped with surprise as if it completely forgot what had first caused it so much pain.

For a moment, I didn't know what to do, or even what to think. All I was comprehending at that moment was that I was standing stock still in the middle of my room like one of those characters in cartoons that had just been electrocuted. At this moment my mind was a clean slate, wiped white by the surprise of seeing _it. _Surprise at seeing those things that had once shaped my beautiful life. But the memories and love that they once held were all gone now. All that was remaining in their place was the ever rising feeling of sorrow, and the soreness that was arising in my gut.

If I hadn't been in total shock I would have fallen to the ground at the wave of memories that knocked me bare once I opened that bag and recognized each of the items that it held. The saddest part of it was that I had forgotten some of those items and the memories that they represented. That hurt the most...

I don't know when I awoke from the shock, but I figured that it had lasted awhile because a minute later Charlie was at my door. I looked into his eyes and he looked back, and I knew, I knew that he understood. Charlie turned his back to me and walked down the stairs, worry clearly reflected in his stance. I silently thanked the God that I knew wasn't up there and forced my eyes back onto the bag. Some how, I managed to muster up the great courage to reach my hand into that bag and pour out its contents. I decided to do it all once, and let all of the memories take me collectively. I wasn't sure if I would survive the onslaught of living the past each object at a time.

So, for that reason, I quickly grabbed the bag and its contents shifted at my touch. I suddenly got goosebumps,and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, as if I had just seen a ghost. I focused my eyes on the bag and decided to get the torture over with. With a slick, graceful move, that I really had no capability of achieving, I flipped the bag upside down and its contents came spiraling to the ground. They settled into a medium sized heap. When they all settled, I reach my hands to touch them, but it took me much longer then it should have because my hands were shaking, as if I was having a seizure. Some how, later I counted it as God's grace, my hands found the radio that I had carelessly torn out from my truck so long ago. At the touch, electricity rocked through my body and stunned my mind into nothing. It was as if his scent was there...as if they were still there...as if he had never left at all. I could still smell him...that beautiful, innocent scent of him that once drove me crazy. It wafted through my nostrils and through each empty chamber of my body, feeling each one with his love. I closed my eyes and smiled. I imagined that Esme and Alice were standing right next to me, each of their arms nestled against my neck, inviting me into their embraces. I imagined Emmett and Jasper in the corner, joking with each other, and mostly I thought of Emmett's loud, billowing laugh. I imaged Carlisle, and his fatherly gaze, that always brought with it the feeling eternal love and security. And lastly, I thought of him. That he was standing across where I was sitting on the ground. That he was staring deeply into my oh, so very tired eyes. That he was explaining everything that I had ever questioned and killing everything that had ever torn me apart. I imagined that he smiled at me...that his lips went in that beautiful smile that truly reached his eyes, that made my little, human heart shutter a million times a second.

As he smiled, I fell apart and my head hit the ground. Through my peripheral vision I could see Edward slowly walk over to me, no hesitancy in his gait. Oh, and when he reached over to me, ever so slowly, light exploded behind my closed eye lids. And when he reached his hand over to my back, and touched me, truly touched me, tears spilled out of my eyes and water leaked from the internal chambers of my weary soul. He was here.

Edward put his hands under my arm pits the same way a teacher would position her hands to lift a child up. He raised me up, he raised me up, and that was it for me. I tried to look into his face as he was lifting me up, but he avoided eye contact. There was something, something painful underlying the surface of his beautiful eyes. And because of that, my heart exploded with joy and with sorrow at the exact same time.

When Edward stood me up, and he was certain that I could stand on my own, he let me go. I reached out to him, ever so vehemently, never wanting to let go. He looked at me then, shook his head, and sheepishly smiled. I wanted to cry, scream, and yell in pain at that moment. I could not let him go. I could not let him go! I could not let him go...

I watched through my film of tears Edward go into the corner of my closet and pick up a red dress that appeared to have never been touch, even in despite of where it had just came from. I wanted to run to him, to touch him, to kiss him, to grab onto him and to never let go, but my heart would not let my feet move. I yelled at my heart, urging it to let me go...but it reacted with as much force as I was acting upon it. "NO! NO! NO! Do you not understand?" my heart screamed at me. I yelled back with as much force..." LET ME GO! PLEASE...LET ME GO!" But it was not my own voice that said these words...it was a voice so much more beautiful than mine...a symphony of a voice, intertwining love and hate at the same time, somehow making them coexist.

It was Edward's.

At that moment, I could do nothing but shut up and listen to my heart, wanting for Edward's voice to continue...and my vehement pleading for his voice to return paid off...

"BELLA. LET ME GO." I looked at the room and forced my eyes on Edward...his mouth was not moving, but his eyes showed me that he was the speaker of those words. Edward's eyes continued, pleading. Pleading for something. Pleading for understanding.

"No! NO! NOOOO!" I yelled out at the top of my lungs, as if I believed that they would erase everything that Edward had just said. I was beginning to question if Edward was really there and if this conversation was really a pigment of my highly active imagination.

I looked at Edward, waiting for an answer, but all I got was a sad glance, a sorrowful glance from his eyes. Before he could respond to my yelling, I felt myself gradually falling, falling, falling oh so quickly back to reality...before everything went black, before he disappeared, I heard the whisper of the autumn wind outside the window and saw those eyes. Those beautiful, deep topaz eyes...and, oh certainly did they whisper the truth.

The hill shrill of Canon's theme song wafted in my ears filling me with the unfamiliar feeling of security. This new feeling lifted me up from the depths of darkness and opened my heavy eye lids and forced my eyes onto the bright world. I scanned my surroundings and my conscience told me that I was supposed to be paying attention. But I probed for a reason...it was so hard to distinguish anything from the darkness I was just basking in. But my father's words as he said "I do," woke me from this white state of unconsciousness. At his words I jerked up and my eyes searched for the speaker of these words.

Charlie was about five yards in front of me with Sue by his side. The preacher was in between them, to the front. They were under an arch of gardenias, my favorite kind of flower. And their eyes...they showed me everything that I had missed. This was Charlie's wedding...and I was some how, uncomprehendingly, sleeping through it. What the hell was wrong with me?

I fixed my eyes on the couple, hoping that no one had noticed my dozing. But my attempts were short lived because a few seconds later I cold feel the heat of a pair of eyes staring intensely on my face. I didn't want to lose my enthrallment with Charlie and Sue, but the intense heat from those pair of eyes were consuming all of my thoughts any way. So, I slowly turned my head to my right side, and found nothing. Then, hesitatingly, I crooked my head to my left and the bearer of those eyes quickly turned his head away in response. When I fixed my eyes on him, studied him, and discovered the tone of his skin, the shape of his nose, and the rise of his brow was the exact same as the one who had made me die a second time, I lost my breath.

Started to sweat, I fixed my eyes back on Charlie and Sue just in time to see them kiss for the first time as husband and wife. I wanted to smile, but it was impossible knowing that he was staring at me again. In order to just make it thought the onslaught of fear that stroke me when my thoughts kept wandering back to him, I fixed my eyes on the happy and elated expressions of my father and new mother. My father's newfound happiness and transformation kept me grounded until the reception.

As I watched my father gingerly take Sue's hand and place it in his as he escorted her to the dance floor the first dance, a dull, sorrow, pain, radiated through my chest, making all of my nerves stand as if they had just been electrocuted with a live wire. Sadness because it had taken him so, so long, and required of him to go through so much for the reward of finding love again. As I watched Charlie and Sue twirl around the room, only gravity keeping them from floating up into the air and disappearing with the arrival of the dawn, I found myself glowing with a outstanding sense of contentment. I was not completely with peace at Forks, and it was a far cry from becoming my ally, but right now, I couldn't help but thank myself for coming back to this place and experiencing love again, even if it wasn't mine to receive. And, on that note, when I felt completely convinced that it was now my time to leave, I dodged any sight of him, and disappeared from the wedding and into the cold, autumn night.

As I was trailing through the forest, looking for some place where I could puke up my guts and recover from the pints of alcohol I had just poured into my body, inconsequently, I ran into him. The monlight reflected off his bronze skin casting rays of sunshine on to the surrounding shrubs. The glimmer of light was what caught my eye, and my focus followed. Before he could escape, I saw him.

I wanted to get up and run away, but I was so intoxicated that I wasn't even sure if Jacob was really there.

"Who's there," I sluggishly said out loud, my "s's" sounding more like "d's." At my words Jacob jumped from his hiding spot, showing himself into my view.

"What the hell ya' doing here..." I yelled out to him, my voice louder than required. When I didn't get an answer I got madder.

" Show your fuckin' face ya' bastard! Ya' can't have any of dis!" I bellowed to him. When he didn't respond, I stood up, almost falling to the muddy ground, and searched for him myself. I knew when I found him when the thing I tripped over yelled out in pain in response.

"Ow, ow! Bella! Damn you!" Jacob said, finally showing his face. "How much did you drink?"

I pondered over that thought and blushed when I found no answer. "Not alllottttttt..." I threw back at him, flushing red when I realized I really did sound drunk.

"What are you doing out here all alone? It's the middle of the night, for God sakes. There could be things around here..." I refused to accept the irony of Jacob's declaration. I didn't even answer his question, but instead threw one at him.

"Why ya stalking me? I got noding to giv ya!" I laughed out loud, for no apparent reason. At those words Jacob came closer to me and anger raced through my veins.

"Don't get any closer to me ya asshole! You knocked up that dirty bitch! Don't lay any of your dirty baby making hands on me!" Tears streamed out of my eyes when my inner self discovered the meaning of these words, and shunned the outer self for saying them out loud. At my words Jacob was not physically hurt, but when I stared into his eyes I knew that he took it as an internal blow to the gut.

Still Jacob came closer, and I gave up. I let him pick me up and lead me back to my car, which was parked only a few seconds away from the door to the reception. He still didn't realize why I had so recklessly wandered into the forest. But, I think he had any idea.

All I was conscious of was that he was carrying to me my car. He then gently reached his hand into my purse and probed for the keys. When he found them, he unlocked my car and put me in the front passenger seat, and he settled down into the driver's. And he started the car, and drove me home.

As we passed the walls and walls of green, even my drunken mind made sense of one thing. The internal drawing that I had to the forest only a few minutes ago was because of one thing: Edward.

Was the meadow, the carrier of all of the love I had ever felt, still there? And for that reason I tear streamed down my face, because I already knew the answer to that question.


End file.
